And I'm STILL On A Detour...

So by looking back over old journals I'm seeing that some of this stuff started long before I became fully aware of it. I was having some weird dizzy spells at work every once in awhile but wrote it off as allergies/sinus congestion. Little vague symptoms that I always found reasons for. I've had issues with GERD (acid reflux) for a few years and every so often I would have a couple of days where I had no appetite and felt overly full. I would skip a few meals, take some medicine and it would pass. Never thought anything of it.

When I started training to run my first half marathon in February of this year, I felt fine. My training went great. I grew to really love running and ran my first half marathon (the Colfax half) on May 19th. I did it in 2:05 and was very proud. I felt great after the race but as the morning went on, I felt really, really bad. (Dizzy, light-headed, very nauseated, stomach upset.) I got very sick for a couple of days. I figured it was due to my pre and post race nutrition. So I started doing research on what to eat/drink before and after a long run so I wouldn't feel that way again. I signed up for a few more running races as well as some skate races and kept on going.

On June 9th, I ran the Garden of the Gods 10 miler. I had NO issues. I had a great run, I felt good afterwards and figured I'd gotten the nutrition down. On June 15th, I skated the Apostle islands inline marathon. Again, looking back I realize I was having some issues then but didn't really acknowledge them. I had a lack of appetite the night before, and low level anxiety days before and during the race. I've always been kind of a fearless skater, but recently I'd become a lot more anxious. No idea why. I still had fun and finished but I skated a lot slower than I had anticipated. I chalked it off to not enough training. On June 22nd, I ran a 10 mile training run, and that was the first time I noticed the shortness of breath thing. I was in the shower over an hour after the run, and still felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I didn't feel anxious or panicked about it - just thought it was weird. It passed and life went on. On June 29th, I ran my second half marathon - the Castle Rock half, and that was when things really started to get bad. That was a hard race, it was hilly and I kept having to stop and walk because I felt like I couldn't breathe. After the race, I could not catch my breath or get my heart rate down. It made me feel a little panicked. I walked and walked, trying to get everything calmed down. I drank water and Gatorade and still felt extremely light-headed and dizzy. I had a rough couple of days but again, things calmed back down - except for my stomach.

On July 4th, I ran a 5K. The night before I had a lot of difficulty eating; I felt overly full and short of breath. I ran the 5k a little slow, felt okay afterwards. I was supposed to run another half marathon on the 13th, but dropped that down to a 10k. I didn't want to do it at all. I ran the 10k, felt okay afterwards. Went home, ate some lunch; felt okay. After dinner - I had my first meal related panic attack. I felt overly full and unable to get enough air. I took some Xanax and it calmed down. I had two more issues with that afterwards, and ended up in the ER on the 17th. It felt like someone had me in a bear hug, there was so much pressure in my abdomen. It hurt to take a deep belly breath, so I was taking short, quick breaths. This, of course, caused me to hyperventilate. I've never done that before, it was the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. My hands and face started to tingle and my whole body tightened up. I couldn't walk, move my hands or talk. I thought I was having a seizure!!! The ER doctors gave me a shot of Valium and a shot of Reglan and sent me home with a prescription for Reglan. (Reglan is a motility drug, it helps your stomach empty after you eat. It also has some really bad side effects. Which I did not know.) I made an appointment with a GI doctor but it would be over a month before I could get in to see him.

So I started the Reglan and actually started to feel better. I was eating a bit more and decided to get back to training since I had a skate race scheduled for August 4th. On July 23rd, I went for a skate. I felt short of breath, so I took it easy. On the way back - with just over 3 miles to go - I started having a panic attack. I honestly do not know how I made it back to my truck but I did. I took my Reglan and a quarter of a Xanax but could not get my breathing under control. I started to hyperventilate again - which made me panic even more. I asked some cyclists to call an ambulance. I felt really stupid because I knew what was happening, I just couldn't get it under control. The Littleton paramedics/firemen were amazing; two of them actually had panic/anxiety disorders so they were extremely compassionate. One of them tried to help me get my breathing under control but I just couldn't do it. Every time I thought I was okay, another wave would roll over me and it would start all over again. So, they shot me up with Valium and took me to the hospital...

Ugh. Anyway... Littleton hospital actually did a CT scan, they found a cyst on my ovary (I only had one ovary, I had everything else removed in 2009) and a minor heart abnormality. I was also low in potassium. So they gave me some potassium and sent me home. I made an appointment with my girl doc to get the cyst checked. I stopped the Reglan (I suspect it made my anxiety 10x times worse) and basically started living off of liquids. I constantly felt overly full, short of breath and had zero appetite. I started losing weight rapidly. While waiting on my specialists appointments, I saw my primary care physician (whom I adore, he's amazing) several times. I felt desperate to know what was going on in my body. We checked my lungs (full capacity, all normal) my heart (all normal) and I had him check my hormone levels. Way low. Practically non-existant. He told me that it looked like my ovary was failing.

So I go see my girl doc; the ultrasound showed what looked like a complex cyst measuring over 5cm. She said we could wait to see if it shrunk or we could do surgery to remove the ovary. Due to my age and the size/type of cyst; she said it would be best to remove the ovary and not just the cyst, especially since I've always had issues with cysts. She told me she wanted to run some tests to check for cancer. At this point my anxiety/panic is so bad I can't drive anymore, and I need to take Xanax to even ride in a car. She did not think that my anxiety had anything to do with my hormones being low, and told me to go see a therapist.... 

Finally I get in to see the GI doc, he ordered a gastric emptying test and diagnosed me with Gastroparesis. Basically this means that my stomach empties too slow, so food is just sitting in my stomach. At 4 hours I still had 20% of my food in my stomach; normal is 10% - 0%. I already knew I had this, my first GI mentioned that I had a 'lazy stomach' back in 2010 but aside from a few days here and there, I'd never had issues this bad. My GI doc could not answer my questions - did running cause this? I have a hiata hernia, could that be getting worse? Is it my hormones? Why am I always short of breath?? He was clueless. He just gave me a print out for the gastroparesis diet (which is horrible) and a prescription for a drug that is not FDA approved so you can't even get it in the US. I managed to get a sample of the drug from a friend of mine; took it once and had super bad stomach cramps, and it made me really dizzy. So I can't take that one either!

So this is my life now, I'm fucking miserable. I'm dropping weight because I can't eat, I feel like I can't breathe so I'm barely moving, I'm having panic attacks constantly - I just wanted to die. I couldn't bear how I felt. I decided to have the surgery to remove my ovary in hopes for some relief but I'm waiting for the stupid lab results because we can't do anything until we have those numbers! I'm worried that I have cancer - WEEKS go by then finally my chick doc calls to tell me that the lab LOST MY RESULTS and I had to go have my blood re-drawn. Argh!!! In the meantime, my primary care doctor wants me to have a general surgeon there in case I have adhesions. I figured since I'd have a general surgeon there, I may as well have her remove this very painful enlarged lymph node that I had in my armpit. I'd had it for over a year, and my primary care doc wanted me to get it removed. More time goes by because my chick doc's assistant can't seem to coordinate with the surgeon's assistant. Blood work came back fine, and finally we have a surgery time, I go in for surgery on October 11h, and suddenly I'm in menopause. I had NO adhesions, and all pathology came back benign. (Yay!) I had a hemorrhagic cyst and a fluid filled cyst - both benign. 

From everything I've read and from what my primary care doc said; I was pretty much in menopause anyway. I had my hormone levels checked when I was feeling really bad and my estradoil was 16. Normal for me was about 200. My primary care physician was concerned, chick doc wasn't. She blew off my hormone levels, she blew off my list of symptoms (she told me the only symptoms of menopause are hot flashes, night sweats, and insomnia.) Uhhh... No.... There are actually a bunch of really weird ones, and the ones I have are cold flushes, tinnitus, burning mouth, bloating, depression, anxiety, increase in digestive disorders. I think my hormones are what caused my gastroparesis to get so bad.

At my lowest, I got down to 117 lbs. I managed to get back up to 119, and I've been stable there for a couple of months. Normally I like to be around 125. I'm seeing a new GI doctor on Monday and an endocrinologist next Thursday. I've been seeing a therapist too, and lo and behold; she also thinks my anxiety is from low estrogen. I found an endocrinologist who specializes in both thyroid and menopause symptoms so hopefully she'll be able to balance me out. My chick doc started me on the lowest dose patch and I actually started having WORSE symptoms... She just increased it but my hope is to eventually find a good balance then switch to pellets. I'm also hoping that when my hormones balance out, my anxiety will calm down. My stomach will calm down. I'll start sleeping better. I'll have more energy. I'll be able to get a job. I will get my life back. I honestly believe that this all boils down to hormones.

As of right now, I'm eating a little bit better, but I'm still constantly short of breath, have very low energy, and get tired very easily. I'm depressed as fuck. I can't drive, I have anxiety and I'm still having panic attacks - I'm hoping even just the little bit of increase in estrogen will help take the edge off of that. My hair is falling out. My joints and muscles ache. My ears ring. My mouth is really dry and burning. The acid reflux is still pretty bad. I feel like shit. I can't sleep. I am focused on living one day at a time, because if I look back I feel sorrow for not being able to do what I was doing, and when I try to look ahead I just see a big blank question mark and it scares the shit out of me. So the mantra is one day at a time. I have good days and bad days; a good day is one without needing Xanax and actually doing something, like taking a walk or making it to the store without a panic attack. The bad days are bad... Just bad. Days I just have to push through and they usually involve a lot of tears. I know that it takes time to get hormone levels balanced out, and I have to be patient. I'm really trying. I still have hope that I'll get past this and get back to a good quality of life. I have to have hope. Otherwise it's too easy to let the despair win.

So yeah. That's where I'm at.

UPDATE 11/30/13 

So the endocrinologist was a bust; she didn't even discuss hormone replacement with me, and she wanted to take me off of my Armour thyroid (natural) and put me on Synthroid (synthetic). No thanks.... I have an appointment with a hormone specialist on Tuesday - he specializes in compounded natural hormone replacement therapy for all hormones; including thyroid. I am very hopeful. If I have success with a compounded cream, I won't need to do the pellets. (Pellets are kind of scary.)

The new GI doc thinks my motility issue is in my small intestine and not my stomach; he gave me Linzess. I took that once and had horrible side effects. I don't think my system can handle the drugs and I need to find different options.

My therapist wants to put me on Prozac. Not sure how I feel about that, but I can't keep taking the Xanax...

Since switching to the .0375 mg patch, I'm doing a little better. I'm down to 116 lbs though, which is awful. I'm having really bad sinus headaches right now; I've been doing the Neti pot 2x a day, taking Mucinex and Tylenol. Last night was the first night in a week that I didn't have a headache like my head was being crushed. I hope that's a sign that whatever is going on (allergies, sinusitis, etc.) is clearing up on its own and I won't need antibiotics. I'm still sleeping like crap, my joints hurt, and I get tired really easily. Still no end in sight but I'm hanging in there.

Still In The Middle

This past Saturday was the Northshore Inline skate marathon, the biggest race of the year; and I was not there. My body is pretty messed up - but so is my mind. My emotions. My life. The only thing keeping me going is the hope that this is fixable, and that it's temporary.

First of all, is the physical. I've had a bunch of tests done, apparently my one remaining ovary is not only engulfed in a large cyst, but it is also failing. I get sporadic good days where it pumps out enough hormones to make me feel almost normal, then it sputters and I have a few days of hell. The most interesting thing I've noticed is that when I'm having a good hormone day, my gastroparesis symptoms are not as bad and I can actually eat. It's all tied together. I'm having surgery to remove the ovary (I had a hysterectomy 4 years ago, they took everything else) I'm waiting for my two surgeons to consult and get their schedules aligned. (One surgeon will remove the ovary and any endometriosis, the other one is removing an enlarged and painful lymph node from my armpit.) She will also be on hand to remove adhesions if necessary. The lymph node is benign, it's just been bugging me for almost two years. I figured if I was going to be under anyway, may as well remove it...

After surgery, I will be in menopause. Even though it's obvious that I'm heading that way anyway, I'm still very nervous about it. I will be starting hormone replacement therapy immediately following surgery. I'm scared. Which leads to the other part of my crisis; the mental.... I'm worried about my bipolar disorder acting up, I'm worried about being all moody and evil; and I'm worried that the anxiety will get worse....

I'm not sure what triggers the intense anxiety and panic attacks - I'm suspecting hormones - but I do know that it has completely taken over my life. I do not leave my house unless I absolutely have to, usually just to go to Dr appointments. I also have to have someone drive me because I cannot get into a car unless I'm doped on Xanax. Both of my doctors have urged me to get counseling so I'm starting that on Monday. I really hope it helps because I'm stuck in a cycle that I do not know how to break. Anxiety and panic attacks are the worst things I've ever experienced. I would not wish this on anyone. I cannot even believe how debilitating this has been!! I have no desire to do any of the things I love - I'm trapped inside of my house because I feel safe here....

My quality of life sucks but I have good support, my husband and my dad are taking good care of me. I'm trying to stay upbeat and positive but sometimes it's really hard. I have really bad insomnia right now too, which really doesn't help. I've dropped down to 118 lbs from the worst of the GP flare, but have managed to maintain that weight for over 3 weeks now. I'm eating a bit better, still not back to normal. My hope is that my transition into menopause won't be as rough as I'm fearing, that I'll find a hormone balance that will level me back out, that getting my hormones on track will settle my stomach AND the anxiety down; that I'll find my way back to actually living instead of just existing. I can feel it, it's so close. I just need to stay strong and keep going. I refuse to accept that THIS is my life....

And I will be at Northshore next year.

My diagnosis - and an uncertain future

I went in for a gastric emptying test this past Monday. Basically I ate a meal consisting of scrambled eggs and 1 1/2 slices of toast; the eggs contained a radioactive tracer. As soon as I was done eating, they put me in a scanner that scanned the food in my stomach - I stood there for a minute, then headed to the waiting room for an hour. They scanned me every hour for 2 hours, then I had a 2 hour break before coming back for my final scan. The purpose of the test is to find out how long it takes for food to move from your stomach to your small intestine. At 2 hours, I was at 63% contained (normal is 60%) and at 4 hours I was at 20% contained (normal is 10%). Basically, I still had more food in my stomach than normal. This confirms a diagnosis of Gastroparesis - I was told that mine is 'mild'. 

My particular symptoms are acid reflux, feeling overly full after only a few bites of a meal, shortness of breath, loss of appetite, and abdominal pain and bloating. In the past, I've had flare ups of these symptoms that usually lasted a few days to a couple of weeks, then things calmed back down and life resumed. I'm over a month out since the first sign of this flare up and still no sign of things calming down yet.

There can be a couple of causes for my particular case - I have hypothyroidism and I also have had 2 abdominal surgeries where the vagus nerve could have been damaged. Either way, my digestive system is sluggish. I was put on the drug Domperidone (a motility drug to help speed up the contractions in my stomach) in addition to taking 60 mg of Dexilant (for acid reflux) in the morning and 300 mg of Zantac at night to help control the nighttime acid reflux. (It's been pretty horrible this past week for some reason. I wake up feeling like I'm having a heart attack.) I've also added a probiotic and now have to eat a special diet that consists of some seriously bland food. 

The other thing I'm dealing with is the panic cycle that was set off with the shortness of breath. It has gotten so bad that I can't even drive without having a panic attack. I take Xanax every day. I'm still afraid to try to drive - I can't even imagine skating, the memory of having a panic attack right there on the bike trail is still too fresh in my mind. I doubt if I'll be doing any more skating this year. I'm also severely depressed; and understandably so. Been here before - I know the way through this is time. It just takes time.

I am trying to process what this all means as far as my future as an athlete. The fact that I'm still so new at even BEING an athlete makes this feel even more unfair. I have a theory as to why this flared up when it did and to the extent that it did - everything started once I started training really hard for my first half marathon. I honestly believe that the increase in the intensity of my physical activity is what triggered this. During intense exercise, blood is shunted away from the internal organs to focus on oxygenating the muscles - causing the guts to slow down. In a normal person, this is temporary. For someone with an already slowed down system - it can be pretty devastating. The harder I pushed myself to run, the farther I pushed, the faster I went - the worse my symptoms got.  

So - what does this mean for my future? I'm fairly certain that I won't be running any more half marathons. My bucket list was to do at least one; I did two - so I am okay with this. My HOPE is that I can continue to run, going slower to keep my heart rate down and not going as far so that the stress on my guts won't be as intense or prolonged. As far as skating - well, I don't know yet. Probably the same thing. Not pushing as hard or going as far or as fast to keep my heart rate down. If I race next year, I will be in the rec group skating slow - I hope I can still do full marathons, if not- I'll drop down to the half. As long as I can still skate and run, I'll do whatever I have to do to keep my symptoms in check. But that comes later. I've tried to do a Google search to find athletes coping with Gastroparesis; and only found ONE person. And she's a power lifter. I could not find any runners or endurance athletes. Disheartening. I don't know what to expect.

I do know that my season is over. I won't be skating Northshore. I won't be running the Rock n Roll half marathon. My focus now is getting my body back in balance, and getting my life back to normal. My energy level is pathetic. I'm in pain. I'm depressed. I'm taking in maybe 800 - 1000 calories a day, if even that. I'm really hoping to get to a point where I can start eating normal food instead of pudding, and eggs, and peanut butter, and fruit cups - I feel like my diet is that of an elementary school student!! I miss salads..............

I hope I am open to whatever comes next. Right now I just don't know what that is yet.

Taking it one day at a time...

To be absolutely honest, I feel like I'm in hell right now. My body feels completely out of sync, and my mental health is also suffering. I have to change the way I'm looking at it - obviously there is no quick fix, my skating/running season is more than likely over for the year; so I need to focus on getting my body and mind healthy again. It's a lot harder than dealing with an injury because I don't even know exactly what's wrong yet. I have ideas but until I can get in to see my GI specialist (4 more days....) then I only have some theories. With an injury it's pretty obvious; this bone/ligament/tendon/muscle is injured, you need to do this and this and this to fix it; and no physical activity for x-amount of days/weeks/months...

My painful realization came this past Tuesday. I went skating. I am having trouble with shortness of breath; and I went skating. I was 8 miles in with 2+  miles left to go, and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. My limbs and face started tingling, I had to stop to focus on slowing down my breathing because I was beginning to panic. It took me over 15 minutes to get back to my truck. I thought I had it under control but I realized I was having a panic attack and I could not deal with it on my own. I asked a cyclist to call 911 and an ambulance arrived about 15 minutes later. I don't want to write too much about it, just reliving it is making me feel some anxiety. But I have to note that the paramedics were WONDERFUL. I was lucky to have 2 of them who had actual experience with panic and anxiety so they were very compassionate. When the breathing exercises couldn't bring me down and I couldn't get it under control; they gave me 2 shots of Valium and took me to the hospital. I went to Littleton instead of Skyridge this time, and I actually had a much better experience there. The nurses were a lot more caring ad compassionate, and we had a very thorough discussion with ER doctor. 

I had a CAT scan done and it came back normal, my potassium was low and something with my heart was a little off - he said it wasn't alarming but worth noting. I was given a potassium pill and sent home. I slept from 4:30 pm Tuesday until 7:30 am Wednesday morning. I woke up, took my Thyroid medication and a Reglan, and 20 minutes later I was having a panic attack. Upon doing some reading I have come to the realization that the Reglan exacerbates my anxiety so I am no longer taking it. This really sucks because it was helping with the bloating and overly full feeling in my stomach; which allowed me to eat more.

My primary care physician had me cut my Thyroid medication dose back from 120 mg to 90 mg - apparently my labs for my Thyroid were high last time I was in so I may be over medicated. This can cause a whole host of issues; including some of my current ones. He also mentioned I might have some adhesions; I had 3 abdomen surgeries a couple of years ago, including my gallbladder - I've been having some sharp pains in the area where that used to be. Who knows. It's like all of these 'maybes' but nothing definite yet. Frustrating.

For now, I am having a great deal of anxiety around eating. I am hungry but I'm afraid to eat. I feel dizzy and short of breath; I just want to sleep. I cancelled my trip to Minnesota - there is no way I can even think about traveling with my heath this unstable; let alone competing in the duathlon. Northshore is still a maybe but for now I am thinking I won't be doing that one either. I feel like my season is over.

But I have to get healthy again. I know I will. I'm just right in the middle of it so it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel frustrated. and scared. and sick. I have moments of utter despair and hopelessness but these seem to pass quickly. I just want my life back. I have a lot riding on my visit with the GI doctor. In the meantime, I am taking a lot of Xanax to keep the anxiety at bay so I can at least eat... And I'm watching a lot of movies. (They keep my brain occupied so I quit dwelling on where I'm at right now.) I also had to put my job search on hold as well - I just don't feel stable enough to be starting a new job on top of everything else.

My next update will come after my GI visit. My guess is that I'll have to have another Endoscopy done (camera down the gullet) and maybe some other tests (gastric emptying, etc...) I just need answers; definitive answers so I can start fixing it. The not knowing or just guessing is very, very discouraging.

My Life On Hold

*I'm usually not one to hold back when I blog, I like to be pretty frank and open about things - it's like online journaling for me. So consider yourself warned.*

I've been in hell for the past week. Not literally, but it sure feels like it. I've had stomach issues for a couple of years now, usually bouts of really bad acid reflux with some brief periods of appetite loss and an inability to eat very much. I would go see my GI doc, get some acid reflux medication and resume my life. I've had two endoscopies done - I have a minor hiatal hernia, excess bile in my gut (that happened after I got my gallbladder out) and a 'lazy stomach'. I had no idea what that meant but had a visual of my stomach lying on the sofa watching M.A.S.H reruns and eating bon bons. Unfortunately it means that it doesn't empty as fast as it's supposed to. This can cause minor discomfort (like some bloating, burping, and gas) to some major issues (zero appetite, inability to eat, food fermenting in the gut. Appetizing.)

Ever since I ran my first half marathon in May, my symptoms have been getting progressively worse: and after each race they would increase drastically. A part of me really knew I should have skipped running the Sand Creek 10k on July 13th, but I ran it anyway. The day before I could hardly eat - so I know I didn't get enough calories to support even that short of a run. I felt pretty good afterwards, so I was hopeful. I ate some scrambled eggs and 2 slices of toast when I got home, took it easy. That evening I ate a very lean hamburger (I read that lean ground beef is one of the 'easy to digest' foods) and that's when my issues started. My stomach bloated so much that it pressed on my diaphragm; causing me to feel short of breath. This made me feel like I wasn't getting enough oxygen; so I started to panic. I took 1/4 of  a xanax and that helped. The next day was a similar situation - so I gave up on solid food altogether and started drinking Ensure just so I was getting SOMETHING in me. My husband was out of town all weekend so I have to give some props to my little dog, Casey. I was all alone and he was very comforting during those intense moments before the xanax kicked in...

Monday I had 2 Ensures and a blueberry muffin. I felt so/so. Tuesday I ate scrambled eggs and toast - actually felt pretty good. About 3 hours later, I started feeling off again. Overly full - like I just ate a HUGE meal, with pressure on my diaphragm. I felt like I couldn't breathe. On top of THAT - I was PAINFULLY constipated. I will admit, I had an epic meltdown, I felt hopeless, helpless and really scared. I just laid on the floor sobbing; with Casey curled up as close as he could get to me. My husband came home from work to take me to the ER. On the way, I was breathing really shallow because of the pressure in my lower gut. I had no idea that this is the same thing as hyper ventilating. As we pulled up to the ER, my body was tingling so bad and the muscles in my arms, legs, and face just sort of froze: I couldn't move. This made me panic even more!! I thought I was dying. The ER nurses rushed me back and got me breathing straight oxygen. Eventually this helped my arms and legs loosen up. A shot of Ativan (for the panic) and a shot of Reglan (for my stomach) and I almost felt human again. Unfortunately I neglected to effectively communicate to them that the constipation was also pretty bad... They sent me home with a prescription for Reglan. (This is a motility drug; it is supposed to help the stomach empty.) That night I ate some rice and grilled chicken. Holy cow, real food...

Then, Thursday came. Oh my fucking God. I've always wondered how awful it would be to have to go to the hospital because you couldn't poop. I am here to tell you that it is just as awful as you would imagine. I don't want to go into too much detail because matters of the bowels tend to be extremely distasteful - so I'll just say that I tried a few home remedies with zero success and I was in a great deal of pain. Believe me, going to the ER for THAT was a very last resort! The nurses were wonderful. They didn't even bat an eye at my extreme humiliation and embarrassment. They did an xray to make sure I didn't have any obstructions (nope, just impacted. Awesome.) They tried two remedies with minimal success, then sent me home with the same stuff they give patients to drink prior to having a colonoscopy done. Lucky for me, once I got home I was able to get relief without having to drink that stuff!!

Yesterday I discovered two things. Reglan makes me feel extremely dizzy and uncomfortable; and just the idea of eating is enough to trigger anxiety. We went to Denny's and I started having a panic attack before we even ordered food. After 1/4 xanax and a bit of walking around I was able to eat a sandwich, strawberries, and some pudding at home. I spent the day on the sofa, I am so fatigued from not getting enough nutrients in me.... Today I took the Reglan and attempted to eat some eggs, a slice of toast and some strawberries. I ate about half but didn't have any anxiety.

One of the most frustrating things has been trying to get in to see a GI doctor. My appointment is on July 29th. I have called so many times to try to change that and no luck. I've also called a few other GI doctors and it's the same thing. I feel like my life is completely on hold. I have no idea if this is permanent or something that can be fixed - I'm not even sure what's going on in my body! I can't run. I can't skate. I just want to sleep. I would give anything to be able to eat a giant plate of delicious Mexican food.

For now I'm thinking I won't be able to do the Minnesota Duathlon on August 3rd and I am extremely disappointed. But I can't train. I have to have faith that this is a temporary setback, that this is NOT how my life is going to continue to be. Even if I have to cut back the intensity of my physical activities I'd be okay with that - this inability to do anything is depressing as hell. I almost think it would be easier if I had some type of injury, it just seems weird that I can't exercise because of my stomach. It seems so much easier to say I can't skate because I pulled a muscle rather than I can't skate because my guts are fucked up. I don't know, I'm bitter and frustrated right now. I'm meeting some friends for lunch today, and I'll admit that I'm nervous. But I need to face this shit and re-train my body to NOT have anxiety. (Anyone who has ever had a panic attack knows that once you're in a cycle it's hard to break it.)

So. That is me. That is where I am. This year started out SO strong and I've done SO MUCH so I'm at least happy for that. I just hope I'll be able to do Northshore in September!!!!!

And Just Like That; Confidence Regained.

Today I tried out the new speed brake I bought from The Skate Shop Now - it is a Powerslide speed brake, and it fits beautifully on my Bont 3PF 7050 frame. It didn't take me more than a few seconds to remember how to heel brake, and I was off. 

I skated 20 easy miles today, the main difference being I no longer slowed down to a crawl to go under bridges, or around blind corners, or down small hills - something I had been doing. I had to brake twice for pedestrians and had no issues. I am very, very happy. I feel confident once more. I am still amazed at how much of my confidence is tied to a tiny piece of rubber, but whatever works!

I also did some tweaking with my hydration - I've been having some major issues with electrolyte imbalances while running; so I figured it wouldn't hurt to tweak this while skating either. It was about 85 degrees when I was skating so not too hot - but I tend to sweat like crazy no matter how hot it is; and when it's hotter I just sweat even more. I soak through anything I'm wearing and end up with a crusty layer of salt all over my skin. So for me personally, I know that electrolyte replacement is essential. I have been skating with coconut water and Gatorade - but that is a LOT of sugar and empty calories. Especially when I drop a GU or 2 in on top of it. Today I had one Nuun tablet in 24 oz of water, and 16 oz of plain water. This is my first time trying Nuun, I had the tri-berry flavor and I really liked it. It's not overly sweet at all. I ate a GU at 30 minutes; I was out for an hour and a half. I drank all of the Nuun water and almost all of the regular water - and I was soaked with sweat. I did one scoop of Max Muscle ARM (lemon lime) in 12 oz of water for my recovery drink. I'll shower, then eat a nice healthy lunch. Right now I feel pretty good; just have a little bit of a headache but NO stomach cramps. I probably could have done a GU before I started but wanted to try this out. Overall I felt like I had a consistent energy level in spite of the heat. 

I'll probably just focus on shorter skates for now - my next race is a half marathon. The next full one isn't until September. Now that I have my confidence back I need to get my speed up! Ok, must shower, I smell pretty rank...

One Size Does NOT Fit All.

When I strapped on my first pair of inline skates 18 years ago - I didn't ask anyone how to skate. Or how to stop. I skated around my garage until I had a grasp on the balance thing; then I took off down a trail. I had NO IDEA how to stop. I had to do a scary drop and roll while crossing a busy street; I was picking gravel out of my shoulder for two days! This is what made me slow down and take the time to learn how to use my heel brake. I taught myself. I fell a lot those early days, but eventually I got it and skating became really, really fun. I didn't wear pads or a  helmet; I wore cut-offs and tank tops with a baseball hat. It wasn't exercise, I skated based on TIME, no clue as to how far I was going or how fast; "I skated an hour today". I just wanted to be outside having fun!

Flash forward to 2011, and I discovered this whole world of skaters out there - and actual skate events. And that began a new learning and growing process for me. I used to get so frustrated when I would see other skaters pass me on the trail; so I kept buying faster bearings. I had no idea that it was actually small wheels holding me back. Bit by bit I began to learn new things to take my skating to the next level. I have some really amazing skate friends who are super passionate and knowledgeable - but I soon became overwhelmed with information. 

I have to admit; I'm hesitant to write this blog. I don't want to upset anyone. But there are some things that have been really bothering me. They were just nagging thoughts until I began running. The running community is so different from the skating community. The running mentality is 'whatever works for you'. So I run a 5K with a full fuel belt? I'm not judged for that. I feel embarrassed because I think I run slow: I get nothing but positive feedback and encouragement. I wear spandex shorts instead of traditional running shorts - nobody bats an eye because nobody CARES. Whatever works for you. I have questions about socks, or compression gear, or chafing - the advice I get always starts with 'well, this is what works for me; it may or may not work for you, but you could try it'. I have NEVER had anyone say 'do it this way or you are a sucky runner and a loser'. Never. I ran a race where I saw a dude running in jeans and a t-shirt! I didn't judge, hey man, whatever works for YOU.

Skating is not like that. Ditch the visor on your helmet, you look like a weenie. Ditch your brake, real skaters don't need a brake. It's a very judgmental sport. It makes me feel sad because it is a dying sport. You would think that with as small of a community as we are, we would embrace everyone who chooses to put inline skates on; regardless of their gear, or the size of their wheels, or if they wear full pads and need a heel brake. I mean honestly, why should it even matter? I had to stop visiting an online forum because the attacks on anyone doing things deemed 'incorrect' by other skaters depressed me. I just don't get it. I narrowed down the number of people I seek advice from and started only going to them. My friends. I still get unsolicited advice from skaters whenever I post something they don't agree with; and that pisses me off. If I want advice, I'll ask someone I trust in my circle. I've been on the speed skates for a year and a half; I've skated 6 marathons, 1 half marathon, and the 38 mile portion of Athens to Atlanta. (I also skated the half marathon, my first full marathon, and A2A on rec skates with a heel brake.) I get it, I know what I'm capable of, I know what makes me uncomfortable and what makes me feel confident. I'm done with conforming to the ideal, it's time that I do WHAT WORKS FOR ME.

First and foremost, I am getting a brake for my skates. I don't give a fuck if it makes me look like a dweeb. I have lost so much of my confidence when I trail skate that I don't even look forward to it anymore. I automatically start imagining all of the worst case scenarios that can come up; and I feel reluctant. And fearful. I do know how to t-stop and snow plow. I do. BUT - I cannot do it at high speed. So guess what I do? Yep. I skate SLOW. Not conducive to training for a RACE. I won't wear a brake while I race, I feel super confident when I know I won't be dealing with the same kind of traffic that congests the trail I skate. But for the conditions I train in, a brake makes sense. 

I'm not interested in being an elite skater. I am not interested in going pro. I skate because it's fun. And I enjoy it. I like racing but I will never be super fast. I'm totally okay with this. My unsolicited advice to the judgmental skaters is to think about what you're doing. What works for you may or may not work for someone else, so do you really have to make them feel bad if they choose to do it a different way? People like to have choices and options; there really truly is no one size fits all when it comes to skating. We should encourage each other to enjoy the sport at our respective levels. Don't be such a skate snob. And if putting a stupid brake on my skate will help me regain my confidence and start enjoying my trail skates again; then it is more than worth having a select few skaters deem me a loser. The fact that I'm out there at all tells me that I'm not.

Hmm... My Rudy Project helmet actually came with a really cool visor. I may just throw that back on too....

Apostle Islands Inline Marathon 2013

Ahh Apostle. I promise this time I won't forget how much I love you....

I'll be honest, I wasn't feeling it. I have not done much skating this year, partly due to the weather and partly due to training for the Colfax half marathon. I did not feel like I was really prepared to inline race yet. But, I got a beautiful new set of Mayhem wheels and had made up my mind to not focus on anything except enjoying myself. No stress - just skate. I boarded a plane without realizing that I had completely spaced packing my rain set-up. So... No rain wheels, no boot covers; no cold weather gear.. Nada. (I left all of that stuff sitting on the floor in my living room...) It had been in the 90's all week here in Colorado, I guess mentally I just couldn't grasp that I was going north where the chances of it being cold and/or wet at some point during the weekend were like 100%. 

I arrived in Minneapolis on Thursday night; had a nice dinner and a good night's sleep. We headed up to Bayfield, WI on Friday; I got my packet, checked into the hotel and got ready to meet some friends for dinner. I watched the dark clouds roll over the lake and just as we were about to head out to the restaurant; it started to rain. I felt my heart sink. We parked the car outside the restaurant and the minute I stepped out into the rain, my mood and my attitude took an even bigger nose dive. We had a nice dinner with our friends, but I kept whining about not packing rain gear. I completely forgot that it's best to keep your fears to yourself. However, I was feeling an awful lot of fear and anxiety... It's really hard to keep that stuff on lock down....

Dinner With My Skate Family!

I have never skated in rain - and I was on a brand spanking new set of wheels that didn't even have a scuff on them. I'm not the most confident skater anyway these days - ever since switching to the Bonts; so the idea of skating in the rain had me feeling terrified! Everyone kept telling me I'd be fine, but I couldn't get that feeling of dread to dissipate. 

Went to bed around 10 - slept fitfully; if at all. Woke up at 4 am to the sound of pouring rain. I was wide awake. Laid there listening to the rain with a zillion things running through my head.... What do I do? Do I show up, suit up, and prepare to bow out at the last minute? Do I at least attempt it? Do I just stay in bed?? I eventually got up and started getting dressed. I went outside and it wasn't too cold so at least I knew I'd be okay in shorts. The rain stopped and I crossed my fingers that it would stay that way and that the pavement had time to dry.

With my attitude still in the shitter; I boarded the ferry to Madaline Island at 6:30 am. My filter was still off and I was being very vocal about my fears and my lack of confidence. I seriously need to work on that - even to my own ears I was starting to sound like a baby! ("There's no crying in speed skating - unless you're missing some skin or have broken bones!!") I shouldered my skate bag and unloaded from the ferry. I guess I just had that moment where you do a mental shrug; accept that whatever will happen will happen - and I will face it and be okay. Suck it up and let it be what it is. Letting go of all of that finally helped me relax a bit. I figured the worst that could happen is that I slide and lose some skin, right? That's not too bad - I've already done that before... I got my skates on, did not even warm up or stretch or anything: I was too busy watching everyone go back and forth about what set-up to go with, dry or wet? Leggings or no? I had no such dilemmas since I didn't bother to pack any options...

I Think I'm Good To Go!

We lined up and I had the usual butterflies in my tummy. My strategy was pretty basic; take the first lap a little easy to feel out the course and the other skaters. After that - I would adjust accordingly. Each lap is about 8.7 miles around, that's plenty of time to warm up and get a feel for the course. I hung a bit towards the back  and started out slow.

Looking Like I'm Going For A Sunday Stroll And Not About To Race 26.2 Miles.... D'Oh!

About halfway through the first lap, I realized two things; 1 - the pavement was pretty much DRY so I would be totally fine!! And 2 - that I was probably going to end up skating solo. I passed about 4 pacelines with zero desire to join any of them. I know I'll get blasted for this but I seriously hate skating in pacelines, especially ones with other inexperienced skaters. (I know I'm a nightmare in a paceline too - I tend to hang back or drop in and out of the line depending on the speed.) All I saw were legs and elbows all over the place and decided I wanted no part of that noise. I tucked in, found my own pace and just enjoyed the scenery.

I Don't Need No Stinkin' Paceline!

This course is amazing! The pavement is smooth, it's relatively flat; and the scenery is gorgeous. There is a bend that you come around when you're about 2-3 miles from completing a lap; it's my favorite part of the course. You are flying along a tree lined street, come around the bend; and then see this gorgeous bay. I could hear the waves lapping up against the shore; it's breathtaking. I absolutely love it!

I have no idea why the corner before the finish line scares me. I think it's because of all of the people standing around, not the actual turn itself. It's a very wide 90 degree right hand turn. I took it slow and standing completely upright like a moron. Oh well... First lap under my belt - I felt warm, I had a feel for the course; and decided to crank things up a bit! [Lap 1 - 36:13 - 14.42 mile/hr average]

Coming Up On The Corner Towards The Finish Of Lap 1 - Oh I Know, My Form Is Crap....

Lap 2 was better; it was actually my best lap. I felt relaxed, nothing on the course was causing anxiety; I handled the hard right turns just fine, and I felt great. I was completely okay with skating solo. [Lap 2 - 34:04 - 15.32 mile/hr average]

By the 3rd lap I was feeling a little tired. I got to see the pro men cross the finish line; they crossed just as I was about to finish my 2nd lap. It's always exciting to see the pros do what they do. Amazing. I couldn't quite maintain the same speed as my 2nd lap, but I was still going faster than the first. But more importantly; I was enjoying myself. I was looking around at the scenery, I felt happy and exhilarated. My feet were holding out, no tingling in the balls of my feet, no unbearable pain in my ankles or shins. I kept on going and came around that stupid corner for the last time to the finish line. I finished lap 3 at an average of 15.05 mile/hr total time was 1:44.29. Seven minutes slower than last year - but considering how crappy my attitude was and how little training I've actually done this  year: I was thrilled with that! I also managed to place 2nd in my age group - out of 8. So that was pretty awesome and unexpected. I was 17th out of 57 females; I feel good about that too!

I guess I just needed to be reminded. It's not about the pain, or the frustration, or the fear. These are all things that can be overcome if you are strong enough to resist the urge to quit. (Believe me, I've had the urge to quit...) I guess I forgot about that moment when the aches recede and I find my 'skate legs', and the breeze is in my face and the swishing of my skates is as rhythmic as a heartbeat. I forgot how much fun it is. How it feels like flying. How exciting it is to zip across the finish line. I forgot how awesome it is to hang out with other skaters who are passionate about the sport. I just needed to be reminded that I do in fact love this. I love traveling, I love the camaraderie, I love the satisfaction of finishing - especially on a day when I didn't think I would.

The Reason Why I Do This - I'm In Excellent Company!

My Wonderful Friends

I still have a ways to go to get back to being as confident as I was prior to transitioning to the Bonts - but I think I know what I need to do. I need to practice stopping. I need to learn how to stop on a dime and be confident that I can stop on a dime if I have to. That's the only thing holding me back these days. It seems like such a stupid minor thing but I cannot believe how much it's affected my confidence. I know I can stop - I just don't feel confident that I can stop quickly at the higher speeds. Only way to change that is to get out and do it. Again, and again, until I feel I've got it. 

Not sure what's next up for me - I'm still on the fence about skating Chicago, I may run another half marathon in July instead. Or maybe I'll do both... I have a little bit of time to decide. For now I am going to focus on a few skate issues, keep running and keep improving! My season has just begun - I have a lot I want to do!

Farewell, Beautiful Bayfield, WI - Until Next Year!!!!

Time to Switch Gears!

So I ran my first half marathon this past Sunday, and all of the training paid off - I came in a full 40 minutes faster than my original goal time of 2:45; and 10 minutes faster than my last minute goal time of 2:15. My finish time was 2:05:13!! I went into the training with the mindset of 'I just want to finish' - but at some point it became clear that simply finishing was not enough. I wanted to see what I was truly capable of. So I pushed myself really hard, and I'll admit - those last two miles were brutal!! But crossing that finish line ahead of my goal time was definitely a huge accomplishment! I had an upset stomach for two days but it was counteracted by the huge smile on my face. I made a decision. I committed to the training; and I exceeded my expectations. It was a beautiful thing.

Now it's time to switch gears, put running on the back burner, and focus on skating! I intend to keep skating for team Ezeefit Lite - I love being associated with some remarkable skaters and a product I actually believe in. My first skate race is in 24 days - The Apostle Islands Inline marathon! I did it last year and had a really great time! The town of Bayfield is beautiful, the course is wonderful, and I get to see a lot of my friends. I'm looking forward to all of that!! I am approaching the race pretty much the same way I did last year - with no pressure and no hard expectations. I hope to come in at or below my time from last year (1:40) but my primary goal is to have fun! I'm staying out there an extra day so I can spend more time with my friend Susan, and I'm really looking forward to the entire weekend.

The primary intent of taking up running as cross training was to maintain my conditioning throughout the winter. I was tired of gaining 10+ pounds every winter and spending the first part of skate season losing the weight and regaining my endurance and conditioning. I am happy to report that I was successful! I didn't gain any weight, and I've been out on my skates only 6 times this year; but I never had that feeling of starting over again. I didn't feel like there had been a few months in between skate sessions. I skated pretty strong and felt really good! So my plan worked!!! An added bonus was actually falling in love with running and now having 2 sports that I feel actively involved with. Win/win.

I'm quitting my job and my last day is next Friday (May 31st) and I'm going to take the month of June off. I will be training a lot during that time. I should be ready for Apostle with no worries. I intend to continue running as well; I will continue my Tue/Thur weight and running workouts, I'll skate 3x per week and I will also continue to do the Saturday morning long run. I don't really want to skate on the weekends if I can help it; the trail is way too congested and it makes me really tense. I'm hoping for weekday skates with fewer people on the trail! I skated 20 miles today, and the trail was relatively empty. I'm looking forward to that very much.

July I will probably do another running event; I won't be skating a race then. In August I'm doing the duathlon in St Paul: skating a half marathon then running a 5K. I'm pretty excited about that one. I think it will be challenging. After that is Northshore in September - then I'll probably switch back to running. I plan on running the Rock n Roll half in October; and of course I will continue to run throughout the winter again.

I think I can finally call myself an athlete; rather than a wanna be. My primary criteria was consistency. For too many years I was on again, off again and to me - a true athlete is consistently active. I feel that I have finally reached that point. Better late than never...

And so the countdown to Apostle has begun!!

Taking Chances

 

 

This particular entry doesn't particularly pertain to skating. No, wait - yes it does. It does because it's about change, and making changes takes courage and confidence. Well, it just so happens that courage and confidence are two things I have gained through skating!

 

On Tuesday I handed in my resignation. I have no other job lined up, so I'm basically free falling into the next chapter of my life without a parachute. My husband gave me his blessing of course, I would never do something so drastic without his support. I've been unhappy for a very long time, ever since a sequence of events culminated in me arriving at this particular moment in time feeling completely burnt out and ready for a change. (I won't bore you with the details because I am trying very hard to let go of the negativity.)

 

I got my first payroll job in 2000 purely by chance; and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to sit behind a desk like the dude with the red stapler from Office Space. I want to wake up every morning looking forward to my job, not dreading it. I want to do something I enjoy, something I love - I just need to figure out what that is.

 

I would love to do something with fitness. Nutrition, exercise, etc. I love learning about it, I love sharing information and I love working with people. My hesitation comes from the disastrous experience I had in 2011 with Going Back To School.... (If you weren't reading my blog back then - basically I decided to go back for my associates degree in Human Performance...) It's been over a decade since I've taken any type of classes, I signed up for ONE class (English 101) and I couldn't even make it through the entire semester. I didn't even get to the good classes! That kind of crushed my spirits and my ambition. I know there are other ways of obtaining this knowledge and getting into this field - I just haven't fully explored them yet. But I need to.

 

2 years ago I had a moment where I wondered if I was capable of skating a half marathon. And then I took a chance; and I did it. And I gained confidence. Then I wondered if I could skate a full marathon - so I took another chance, and I did it; and I gained even more confidence. Now I'm two weeks away from running my first half marathon, and I feel stronger and more confident than I ever have in my life. Me, running a HALF MARATHON when a year ago I couldn't even run down the block... I'm scared yes - but my fear is always entwined with excitement; and I'm learning how to focus on the excitement until the fear fades into the background. I do this when I skate. I do this when I run; I will need to do this as I begin my new career path. Whatever that may be. 

 

My tentative plan is to take the month of June off - to focus on training for Apostle and clearing my head: do some research and see if I can figure out once and for all what I want to be when I grow up - before I'm retirement age....

And so it begins....

So today I registered for the Apostle Inline Marathon - scheduled for June 15th, 2013; it will be my first race of the year and I am very excited for it. I must admit, I am very excited to be very excited about racing again; because I really haven't been all that jazzed about skating at all this year. Here it is, the middle of April - and I've only got about 25 miles under my belt. But there are a couple of reasons for this: the main one being that currently my focus is on running. I'm 5 weeks away from running my first half marathon and I have been training really hard. The second one being the weather... It's been super crappy! 

So the main reason I took up running was to have SOMETHING to bridge the gap between seasons so I wouldn't lose my conditioning. I was really sick of losing motivation from November - February, gaining a ton of weight during the holiday season; then spending the first part of the year rebuilding my endurance and losing an extra 7-10 lbs! I was hoping to hit the trail at the beginning of the season with a very minor adjustment period and I felt that running would be perfect for that. In my mind - running was the logical choice because even if I couldn't run outside; I could always run on the treadmill. I'm happy to say that this was the first winter in history where I consistently worked out and didn't gain any weight. I also discovered that I love running! Who ever would have guessed? The half marathon training is very structured and I love it: I run 4x per week with one long run every Saturday; I've been progressively building up my miles with my longest distance to date being 10 miles! I also do a full body workout 2x per week where I focus on core and legs. I honestly believe that my skating will improve due to this regime as well!

March is usually the beginning of my season, so on March 3rd I had my first skate of the year - and it was a disaster! Trail conditions were crap (twigs, rocks, gravel, puddles of water; and a ton of traffic; people running, walking, strollers, bikes, dogs, etc;....) I skated 11 miles and averaged 11 mph and felt nothing but frustration... Last Friday however, I packed up my skates for an after work skate (that I was DREADING - by the way) and had a magical season beginning outing. The trail was practically deserted, it was overcast but comfortable; and the wind was coming out of the north east so it didn't impact my skating at all. I hit the trail and skated 14 glorious miles... I kept all of my laps around or under 4.5 min/mile (usually first skate outings are around 5+ min/mile) for a 14 mph average (which is where I usually am by mid-season) and felt really strong. My endurance was there, I didn't feel any weakness or pain in my ankles; but best of all, I had fun and enjoyed myself. It reignited my desire to skate! 

My hardcore skate training is on hold for now, but I'm very happy to see that running has helped my skating as anticipated. My plan is to try to skate at least 2x a week while training for my half marathon. My half is on May 19th, so that will give me just about a month to prepare for Apostle. (After the half I will switch gears and start skating 3-4x per week.) I hope to take another thing I've learned from running and apply it to skating - and that is to not compare myself to other skaters. In order for me to be successful with running, I have had to temper my competitive nature down - to where I am only competing with who I was the day before. I am in my own place going at my own pace, and there is nothing wrong with that. With skating, I let too much pressure get to me - real or imagined - and it took a lot of the fun out of it for me. My goals for skating are really different this year, I hope by relaxing and just having fun with it I will naturally progress. During the course of the 2012 skate season I discovered my personal limitations and now I have finally accepted them. 

So far I'm set for 3 races this year; Apostle, The Minnesota Half, and Northshore. I may try to fit another one in there if I can. I am super excited for Minnesota Half because I registered for the duathlon (skate 13.2 miles then change into sneakers and run 2.8 miles.) I hope to do really well at that one - one race where I get to indulge in both of my loves. :)

So that is where I am right now. Perfectly happy to report that I have dual devotion to two sports and I feel like I've become a better athlete because of it. 

A funny thing happened on the way to 2013...

So, I have been trying to come up with skating goals for 2013 - and I haven't been able to come up with anything. I finally figured out that it's because I have accomplished everything I set out to do with skating. I skated my first half marathon (Minnesota half, 2011). I skated my first full marathon (Northshore, 2011). I skated a race at the pro level (Texas Road Rash/Pro Master women; 2012). I skated over 1000 miles in a year (1380 in 2011, and 1165 in 2012.) I skated a marathon in under 90 minutes (Northshore, 2012 - 1:26). Along the way on this journey, I learned that I have no desire to skate at the pro level for several reasons; the main one being that I don't have the drive necessary to commit to the training. Second, I put too much pressure on myself, which totally takes the fun out of skating; and third - I've discovered that I'm actually kind of a wuss. I like to skate fast; but not TOO fast. I found my limits and I am comfortable with them. I realized that with skating, I am now at the maintenance level. This is totally cool - it actually makes me feel pretty excited for 2013 because I intend to have fun with it, with no pressure to perform at any certain level. I want to skate 2-4 races, and I will approach them seriously with every intention of skating as hard and as fast as I can. But I already know I can do this - so it's not really a goal. When I started this whole skating thing, my primary intention was to see how far I could go with it before it went from feeling like playtime to feeling like work. I hit that barrier and now I'm backing off from it. I never, ever wanted skating to feel like work. It's supposed to be my happy place, and last year I shed way too many tears over it. This year it's all about having fun.

Which brings me to now. Last year I started running for cross training. I was completing my weight workouts in about 30-40 minutes; but wanted to be spending at least 60-70 minutes at the gym. So I began doing 25-35 minutes of cardio prior to lifting weights. First it was walking, then running; mixed with the elliptical and the exercise bike. The more I ran, the more I began to actually like it. The first time I ran outside, I knew I had found something that had the potential to be an addiction. At the time however, I was transitioning into the 2012 skate season, so as soon as March/April hit - my primarily focus was skating. I was still running every once in awhile (and actually ran my first 5K in August) but my passion was skating. Once skate season started winding down (and I once again found myself dreading the winter 'off' season), I had the bright idea of setting some running goals to help get me through it. I have absolutely no desire to skate indoors, so I needed SOMETHING to keep me motivated. I'm pretty tired of the cycle of being active spring/summer/fall then turning into a sloth during the winter. I want to maintain throughout the year. Of course I have the added burden of depressive cycles pulling me down but dammit, I am determined to find a way to work through them! So, even with a coating of seasonal depression dragging me down; I ran my second 5K on Thanksgiving. That was a turning point for me. I ran it slow, but I ran it steady, without stopping. The euphoria I felt when I crossed the finish line was like a drug. I want to experience that again. Originally my goal was to do one 5K per month; but I have been running a 5K as my weight training warm ups. That didn't seem challenging enough. So I started thinking on it, and that's when the seeds started to take root and my fitness goals for 2013 emerged.... I am going to run a 7K, a 10K and a half marathon. The half marathon is on May 19th.

The really interesting thing is that when I shared this with everyone, some of my skate friends were pretty hard on me. This confused and disheartened me. I am not abandoning the sport. I love skating! I don't intend to take it to the next level, so why should I have to be aligned to just skating? Why can't I do both? - Or hell, what if I decide I want to cycle too? Or hike? Or anything else? Isn't the fact that I'm challenging myself and doing ANY type of physical activity positive and encouraging? You know, I have never been an athlete. NEVER. I flunked gym class every year and was taking a freshman gym class as a senior. I had to beg the teacher for a D- so I could graduate. I was on the girls basketball team in 8th grade for 2 games. (I sucked.) I tried to run track in 9th grade - I was out there for one day and the coach (not so kindly) suggested that track is probably not the thing for me.

I have always wanted to be an athlete, but I lacked the mental part of it: and it IS mostly mental. In fact, I remember watching Vision Quest back in 1985, and there's Louden Swain; out running in his little silver suit while Journey sings 'Only The Young'  -- and I wanted to BE Louden Swain. I made a cassette tape with that song and a few other fist pumping anthems, popped it into my Walkman; and went out for a run. It was probably about a 2 minute run - but I did it. Unfortunately, I lacked the wisdom to realize that I wouldn't be able to hit the street and BE Louden in one day. I didn't know that if I had stuck with it, 2 minutes would've stretched to 20, then 30; and beyond. I only saw how I did on that first attempt, and I gave up. And that became the theme for my life; until a couple of years ago - when I really picked up the skating. Skating has given me the confidence I needed to expand my horizons. But where skating is my playtime and makes me feel like a little kid: all happy and carefree - running clears my head and soothes my soul. When I'm running, I find the rhythmic cadence of my foot falls and breathing to be extremely calming. I feel serene. It's beautiful. When I'm done and covered in sweat; my head is clear and my body is spent: I feel accomplished. This feeling is what I strive for - it's why I will do this. I have finally learned that physical fitness is a wonderful side effect of the mental enrichment that exercise brings.

So, as I close out this entry, a week out from turning 42 and with the mental tenacity to embrace the 16 weeks of half marathon training ahead of me - I begin a new Vision Quest. I think I may start a new blog for anyone who wishes to tag along with me.