Still In The Middle

This past Saturday was the Northshore Inline skate marathon, the biggest race of the year; and I was not there. My body is pretty messed up - but so is my mind. My emotions. My life. The only thing keeping me going is the hope that this is fixable, and that it's temporary.

First of all, is the physical. I've had a bunch of tests done, apparently my one remaining ovary is not only engulfed in a large cyst, but it is also failing. I get sporadic good days where it pumps out enough hormones to make me feel almost normal, then it sputters and I have a few days of hell. The most interesting thing I've noticed is that when I'm having a good hormone day, my gastroparesis symptoms are not as bad and I can actually eat. It's all tied together. I'm having surgery to remove the ovary (I had a hysterectomy 4 years ago, they took everything else) I'm waiting for my two surgeons to consult and get their schedules aligned. (One surgeon will remove the ovary and any endometriosis, the other one is removing an enlarged and painful lymph node from my armpit.) She will also be on hand to remove adhesions if necessary. The lymph node is benign, it's just been bugging me for almost two years. I figured if I was going to be under anyway, may as well remove it...

After surgery, I will be in menopause. Even though it's obvious that I'm heading that way anyway, I'm still very nervous about it. I will be starting hormone replacement therapy immediately following surgery. I'm scared. Which leads to the other part of my crisis; the mental.... I'm worried about my bipolar disorder acting up, I'm worried about being all moody and evil; and I'm worried that the anxiety will get worse....

I'm not sure what triggers the intense anxiety and panic attacks - I'm suspecting hormones - but I do know that it has completely taken over my life. I do not leave my house unless I absolutely have to, usually just to go to Dr appointments. I also have to have someone drive me because I cannot get into a car unless I'm doped on Xanax. Both of my doctors have urged me to get counseling so I'm starting that on Monday. I really hope it helps because I'm stuck in a cycle that I do not know how to break. Anxiety and panic attacks are the worst things I've ever experienced. I would not wish this on anyone. I cannot even believe how debilitating this has been!! I have no desire to do any of the things I love - I'm trapped inside of my house because I feel safe here....

My quality of life sucks but I have good support, my husband and my dad are taking good care of me. I'm trying to stay upbeat and positive but sometimes it's really hard. I have really bad insomnia right now too, which really doesn't help. I've dropped down to 118 lbs from the worst of the GP flare, but have managed to maintain that weight for over 3 weeks now. I'm eating a bit better, still not back to normal. My hope is that my transition into menopause won't be as rough as I'm fearing, that I'll find a hormone balance that will level me back out, that getting my hormones on track will settle my stomach AND the anxiety down; that I'll find my way back to actually living instead of just existing. I can feel it, it's so close. I just need to stay strong and keep going. I refuse to accept that THIS is my life....

And I will be at Northshore next year.