My Life On Hold

*I'm usually not one to hold back when I blog, I like to be pretty frank and open about things - it's like online journaling for me. So consider yourself warned.*

I've been in hell for the past week. Not literally, but it sure feels like it. I've had stomach issues for a couple of years now, usually bouts of really bad acid reflux with some brief periods of appetite loss and an inability to eat very much. I would go see my GI doc, get some acid reflux medication and resume my life. I've had two endoscopies done - I have a minor hiatal hernia, excess bile in my gut (that happened after I got my gallbladder out) and a 'lazy stomach'. I had no idea what that meant but had a visual of my stomach lying on the sofa watching M.A.S.H reruns and eating bon bons. Unfortunately it means that it doesn't empty as fast as it's supposed to. This can cause minor discomfort (like some bloating, burping, and gas) to some major issues (zero appetite, inability to eat, food fermenting in the gut. Appetizing.)

Ever since I ran my first half marathon in May, my symptoms have been getting progressively worse: and after each race they would increase drastically. A part of me really knew I should have skipped running the Sand Creek 10k on July 13th, but I ran it anyway. The day before I could hardly eat - so I know I didn't get enough calories to support even that short of a run. I felt pretty good afterwards, so I was hopeful. I ate some scrambled eggs and 2 slices of toast when I got home, took it easy. That evening I ate a very lean hamburger (I read that lean ground beef is one of the 'easy to digest' foods) and that's when my issues started. My stomach bloated so much that it pressed on my diaphragm; causing me to feel short of breath. This made me feel like I wasn't getting enough oxygen; so I started to panic. I took 1/4 of  a xanax and that helped. The next day was a similar situation - so I gave up on solid food altogether and started drinking Ensure just so I was getting SOMETHING in me. My husband was out of town all weekend so I have to give some props to my little dog, Casey. I was all alone and he was very comforting during those intense moments before the xanax kicked in...

Monday I had 2 Ensures and a blueberry muffin. I felt so/so. Tuesday I ate scrambled eggs and toast - actually felt pretty good. About 3 hours later, I started feeling off again. Overly full - like I just ate a HUGE meal, with pressure on my diaphragm. I felt like I couldn't breathe. On top of THAT - I was PAINFULLY constipated. I will admit, I had an epic meltdown, I felt hopeless, helpless and really scared. I just laid on the floor sobbing; with Casey curled up as close as he could get to me. My husband came home from work to take me to the ER. On the way, I was breathing really shallow because of the pressure in my lower gut. I had no idea that this is the same thing as hyper ventilating. As we pulled up to the ER, my body was tingling so bad and the muscles in my arms, legs, and face just sort of froze: I couldn't move. This made me panic even more!! I thought I was dying. The ER nurses rushed me back and got me breathing straight oxygen. Eventually this helped my arms and legs loosen up. A shot of Ativan (for the panic) and a shot of Reglan (for my stomach) and I almost felt human again. Unfortunately I neglected to effectively communicate to them that the constipation was also pretty bad... They sent me home with a prescription for Reglan. (This is a motility drug; it is supposed to help the stomach empty.) That night I ate some rice and grilled chicken. Holy cow, real food...

Then, Thursday came. Oh my fucking God. I've always wondered how awful it would be to have to go to the hospital because you couldn't poop. I am here to tell you that it is just as awful as you would imagine. I don't want to go into too much detail because matters of the bowels tend to be extremely distasteful - so I'll just say that I tried a few home remedies with zero success and I was in a great deal of pain. Believe me, going to the ER for THAT was a very last resort! The nurses were wonderful. They didn't even bat an eye at my extreme humiliation and embarrassment. They did an xray to make sure I didn't have any obstructions (nope, just impacted. Awesome.) They tried two remedies with minimal success, then sent me home with the same stuff they give patients to drink prior to having a colonoscopy done. Lucky for me, once I got home I was able to get relief without having to drink that stuff!!

Yesterday I discovered two things. Reglan makes me feel extremely dizzy and uncomfortable; and just the idea of eating is enough to trigger anxiety. We went to Denny's and I started having a panic attack before we even ordered food. After 1/4 xanax and a bit of walking around I was able to eat a sandwich, strawberries, and some pudding at home. I spent the day on the sofa, I am so fatigued from not getting enough nutrients in me.... Today I took the Reglan and attempted to eat some eggs, a slice of toast and some strawberries. I ate about half but didn't have any anxiety.

One of the most frustrating things has been trying to get in to see a GI doctor. My appointment is on July 29th. I have called so many times to try to change that and no luck. I've also called a few other GI doctors and it's the same thing. I feel like my life is completely on hold. I have no idea if this is permanent or something that can be fixed - I'm not even sure what's going on in my body! I can't run. I can't skate. I just want to sleep. I would give anything to be able to eat a giant plate of delicious Mexican food.

For now I'm thinking I won't be able to do the Minnesota Duathlon on August 3rd and I am extremely disappointed. But I can't train. I have to have faith that this is a temporary setback, that this is NOT how my life is going to continue to be. Even if I have to cut back the intensity of my physical activities I'd be okay with that - this inability to do anything is depressing as hell. I almost think it would be easier if I had some type of injury, it just seems weird that I can't exercise because of my stomach. It seems so much easier to say I can't skate because I pulled a muscle rather than I can't skate because my guts are fucked up. I don't know, I'm bitter and frustrated right now. I'm meeting some friends for lunch today, and I'll admit that I'm nervous. But I need to face this shit and re-train my body to NOT have anxiety. (Anyone who has ever had a panic attack knows that once you're in a cycle it's hard to break it.)

So. That is me. That is where I am. This year started out SO strong and I've done SO MUCH so I'm at least happy for that. I just hope I'll be able to do Northshore in September!!!!!