Reconciling my Fears

I wish I could say that I am fearless. I wish I could tell you that I can stand with my soul wide open in the face of something that terrifies me without figuratively peeing down my own leg. But I can't. I am not a warrior. I'm cautious. I'm hesitant. I'm scared of the unknown. I have friends who can fly - down the side of a mountain on skis, on snowboards, on mountain bikes - down 40 degree hills on inline skates with no brakes; and although they might bite it and end up ass over heels, they bounce right back up and keep on soaring. [More than likely sporting some bruises, road rash and/or broken bones: but as soon as they heal they are right back out there.]

I am not like this. I really wish I were. It pains me to admit this out loud, but I cannot be true to myself or true to my inline journey without first owning up to my fears. When I take a digger that seriously injures me, it often breaks more than just the surface of my skin. It gouges my self-confidence. It makes me afraid. When I was 25, I bought a mountain bike. I was fearless. I never even considered the fact that I could get hurt. One day out on a trail in the mountains, I hit the root of a tree wrong and went flying over my handle bars. I landed head first into a river. (Yes, I was wearing a helmet and yes, it probably saved me from serious harm.) I wasn't hurt, just very shaken. (And wet)... Suddenly, the reality of injury was apparent; and I've never been able to ride like that since. So, as I'm getting ready to make the transition from a soft, cushy, fully supportive recreational skate (WITH a heel brake) to a full racing skate without a brake or full ankle support - I'm beginning to experience some fears... Irrational, idiotic, unrealistic, or otherwise; here they are...

First and foremost - what if I can't do this? What if everything I accomplished last year marked the pinnacle of my skating experience? What if I'm not meant to be any greater than I've already been? What if I'm setting myself up for humiliating failure?

What if I can't get the hang of the speed skates? What if I can't stop, and this time when that stupid goose crosses the trail in front of me I take us both out??

What if I can't accomplish my goals? The mileage goal. The time goal. The skating events? What if I've bitten off more than I can chew?

What if I get seriously injured? Would that make me too afraid to do the one thing in my life that makes me feel like I'm flying?

Hmmm, wait a minute... The very first time I strapped on a pair of inline skates (also at age 25) I took off down the trail and I didn't even know how to stop. I was crossing a busy street and cars were coming straight at me; in a panic I went down, ass over heels across the intersection. I was picking gravel out of my shoulder for two days... And all that did was make me take the time to learn how to stop. The first time I got clipped by a cyclist, I went skidding along the trail and completely tore up my knee... And all that did was make me decide to skate with my earbud out of my left ear so I could hear cyclists coming. And then there was A2A. The sheer terror I felt the night before when hearing all of the things I could expect on that road skate, I was scared, I was hesitant; but I did it. So maybe I do have a little bit of a warrior in me after all.

I guess the point is that I am afraid that I won't be able to live up to the expectations I've set for myself. Of course, the only way to find out is to get out there and do what I feel I need to do. For me. Because I really believe that I can. And if my skate history is any indication of what to expect - if I fail, it'll only make me do what I need to do to succeed.