And I'm STILL On A Detour...

So by looking back over old journals I'm seeing that some of this stuff started long before I became fully aware of it. I was having some weird dizzy spells at work every once in awhile but wrote it off as allergies/sinus congestion. Little vague symptoms that I always found reasons for. I've had issues with GERD (acid reflux) for a few years and every so often I would have a couple of days where I had no appetite and felt overly full. I would skip a few meals, take some medicine and it would pass. Never thought anything of it.

When I started training to run my first half marathon in February of this year, I felt fine. My training went great. I grew to really love running and ran my first half marathon (the Colfax half) on May 19th. I did it in 2:05 and was very proud. I felt great after the race but as the morning went on, I felt really, really bad. (Dizzy, light-headed, very nauseated, stomach upset.) I got very sick for a couple of days. I figured it was due to my pre and post race nutrition. So I started doing research on what to eat/drink before and after a long run so I wouldn't feel that way again. I signed up for a few more running races as well as some skate races and kept on going.

On June 9th, I ran the Garden of the Gods 10 miler. I had NO issues. I had a great run, I felt good afterwards and figured I'd gotten the nutrition down. On June 15th, I skated the Apostle islands inline marathon. Again, looking back I realize I was having some issues then but didn't really acknowledge them. I had a lack of appetite the night before, and low level anxiety days before and during the race. I've always been kind of a fearless skater, but recently I'd become a lot more anxious. No idea why. I still had fun and finished but I skated a lot slower than I had anticipated. I chalked it off to not enough training. On June 22nd, I ran a 10 mile training run, and that was the first time I noticed the shortness of breath thing. I was in the shower over an hour after the run, and still felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I didn't feel anxious or panicked about it - just thought it was weird. It passed and life went on. On June 29th, I ran my second half marathon - the Castle Rock half, and that was when things really started to get bad. That was a hard race, it was hilly and I kept having to stop and walk because I felt like I couldn't breathe. After the race, I could not catch my breath or get my heart rate down. It made me feel a little panicked. I walked and walked, trying to get everything calmed down. I drank water and Gatorade and still felt extremely light-headed and dizzy. I had a rough couple of days but again, things calmed back down - except for my stomach.

On July 4th, I ran a 5K. The night before I had a lot of difficulty eating; I felt overly full and short of breath. I ran the 5k a little slow, felt okay afterwards. I was supposed to run another half marathon on the 13th, but dropped that down to a 10k. I didn't want to do it at all. I ran the 10k, felt okay afterwards. Went home, ate some lunch; felt okay. After dinner - I had my first meal related panic attack. I felt overly full and unable to get enough air. I took some Xanax and it calmed down. I had two more issues with that afterwards, and ended up in the ER on the 17th. It felt like someone had me in a bear hug, there was so much pressure in my abdomen. It hurt to take a deep belly breath, so I was taking short, quick breaths. This, of course, caused me to hyperventilate. I've never done that before, it was the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. My hands and face started to tingle and my whole body tightened up. I couldn't walk, move my hands or talk. I thought I was having a seizure!!! The ER doctors gave me a shot of Valium and a shot of Reglan and sent me home with a prescription for Reglan. (Reglan is a motility drug, it helps your stomach empty after you eat. It also has some really bad side effects. Which I did not know.) I made an appointment with a GI doctor but it would be over a month before I could get in to see him.

So I started the Reglan and actually started to feel better. I was eating a bit more and decided to get back to training since I had a skate race scheduled for August 4th. On July 23rd, I went for a skate. I felt short of breath, so I took it easy. On the way back - with just over 3 miles to go - I started having a panic attack. I honestly do not know how I made it back to my truck but I did. I took my Reglan and a quarter of a Xanax but could not get my breathing under control. I started to hyperventilate again - which made me panic even more. I asked some cyclists to call an ambulance. I felt really stupid because I knew what was happening, I just couldn't get it under control. The Littleton paramedics/firemen were amazing; two of them actually had panic/anxiety disorders so they were extremely compassionate. One of them tried to help me get my breathing under control but I just couldn't do it. Every time I thought I was okay, another wave would roll over me and it would start all over again. So, they shot me up with Valium and took me to the hospital...

Ugh. Anyway... Littleton hospital actually did a CT scan, they found a cyst on my ovary (I only had one ovary, I had everything else removed in 2009) and a minor heart abnormality. I was also low in potassium. So they gave me some potassium and sent me home. I made an appointment with my girl doc to get the cyst checked. I stopped the Reglan (I suspect it made my anxiety 10x times worse) and basically started living off of liquids. I constantly felt overly full, short of breath and had zero appetite. I started losing weight rapidly. While waiting on my specialists appointments, I saw my primary care physician (whom I adore, he's amazing) several times. I felt desperate to know what was going on in my body. We checked my lungs (full capacity, all normal) my heart (all normal) and I had him check my hormone levels. Way low. Practically non-existant. He told me that it looked like my ovary was failing.

So I go see my girl doc; the ultrasound showed what looked like a complex cyst measuring over 5cm. She said we could wait to see if it shrunk or we could do surgery to remove the ovary. Due to my age and the size/type of cyst; she said it would be best to remove the ovary and not just the cyst, especially since I've always had issues with cysts. She told me she wanted to run some tests to check for cancer. At this point my anxiety/panic is so bad I can't drive anymore, and I need to take Xanax to even ride in a car. She did not think that my anxiety had anything to do with my hormones being low, and told me to go see a therapist.... 

Finally I get in to see the GI doc, he ordered a gastric emptying test and diagnosed me with Gastroparesis. Basically this means that my stomach empties too slow, so food is just sitting in my stomach. At 4 hours I still had 20% of my food in my stomach; normal is 10% - 0%. I already knew I had this, my first GI mentioned that I had a 'lazy stomach' back in 2010 but aside from a few days here and there, I'd never had issues this bad. My GI doc could not answer my questions - did running cause this? I have a hiata hernia, could that be getting worse? Is it my hormones? Why am I always short of breath?? He was clueless. He just gave me a print out for the gastroparesis diet (which is horrible) and a prescription for a drug that is not FDA approved so you can't even get it in the US. I managed to get a sample of the drug from a friend of mine; took it once and had super bad stomach cramps, and it made me really dizzy. So I can't take that one either!

So this is my life now, I'm fucking miserable. I'm dropping weight because I can't eat, I feel like I can't breathe so I'm barely moving, I'm having panic attacks constantly - I just wanted to die. I couldn't bear how I felt. I decided to have the surgery to remove my ovary in hopes for some relief but I'm waiting for the stupid lab results because we can't do anything until we have those numbers! I'm worried that I have cancer - WEEKS go by then finally my chick doc calls to tell me that the lab LOST MY RESULTS and I had to go have my blood re-drawn. Argh!!! In the meantime, my primary care doctor wants me to have a general surgeon there in case I have adhesions. I figured since I'd have a general surgeon there, I may as well have her remove this very painful enlarged lymph node that I had in my armpit. I'd had it for over a year, and my primary care doc wanted me to get it removed. More time goes by because my chick doc's assistant can't seem to coordinate with the surgeon's assistant. Blood work came back fine, and finally we have a surgery time, I go in for surgery on October 11h, and suddenly I'm in menopause. I had NO adhesions, and all pathology came back benign. (Yay!) I had a hemorrhagic cyst and a fluid filled cyst - both benign. 

From everything I've read and from what my primary care doc said; I was pretty much in menopause anyway. I had my hormone levels checked when I was feeling really bad and my estradoil was 16. Normal for me was about 200. My primary care physician was concerned, chick doc wasn't. She blew off my hormone levels, she blew off my list of symptoms (she told me the only symptoms of menopause are hot flashes, night sweats, and insomnia.) Uhhh... No.... There are actually a bunch of really weird ones, and the ones I have are cold flushes, tinnitus, burning mouth, bloating, depression, anxiety, increase in digestive disorders. I think my hormones are what caused my gastroparesis to get so bad.

At my lowest, I got down to 117 lbs. I managed to get back up to 119, and I've been stable there for a couple of months. Normally I like to be around 125. I'm seeing a new GI doctor on Monday and an endocrinologist next Thursday. I've been seeing a therapist too, and lo and behold; she also thinks my anxiety is from low estrogen. I found an endocrinologist who specializes in both thyroid and menopause symptoms so hopefully she'll be able to balance me out. My chick doc started me on the lowest dose patch and I actually started having WORSE symptoms... She just increased it but my hope is to eventually find a good balance then switch to pellets. I'm also hoping that when my hormones balance out, my anxiety will calm down. My stomach will calm down. I'll start sleeping better. I'll have more energy. I'll be able to get a job. I will get my life back. I honestly believe that this all boils down to hormones.

As of right now, I'm eating a little bit better, but I'm still constantly short of breath, have very low energy, and get tired very easily. I'm depressed as fuck. I can't drive, I have anxiety and I'm still having panic attacks - I'm hoping even just the little bit of increase in estrogen will help take the edge off of that. My hair is falling out. My joints and muscles ache. My ears ring. My mouth is really dry and burning. The acid reflux is still pretty bad. I feel like shit. I can't sleep. I am focused on living one day at a time, because if I look back I feel sorrow for not being able to do what I was doing, and when I try to look ahead I just see a big blank question mark and it scares the shit out of me. So the mantra is one day at a time. I have good days and bad days; a good day is one without needing Xanax and actually doing something, like taking a walk or making it to the store without a panic attack. The bad days are bad... Just bad. Days I just have to push through and they usually involve a lot of tears. I know that it takes time to get hormone levels balanced out, and I have to be patient. I'm really trying. I still have hope that I'll get past this and get back to a good quality of life. I have to have hope. Otherwise it's too easy to let the despair win.

So yeah. That's where I'm at.

UPDATE 11/30/13 

So the endocrinologist was a bust; she didn't even discuss hormone replacement with me, and she wanted to take me off of my Armour thyroid (natural) and put me on Synthroid (synthetic). No thanks.... I have an appointment with a hormone specialist on Tuesday - he specializes in compounded natural hormone replacement therapy for all hormones; including thyroid. I am very hopeful. If I have success with a compounded cream, I won't need to do the pellets. (Pellets are kind of scary.)

The new GI doc thinks my motility issue is in my small intestine and not my stomach; he gave me Linzess. I took that once and had horrible side effects. I don't think my system can handle the drugs and I need to find different options.

My therapist wants to put me on Prozac. Not sure how I feel about that, but I can't keep taking the Xanax...

Since switching to the .0375 mg patch, I'm doing a little better. I'm down to 116 lbs though, which is awful. I'm having really bad sinus headaches right now; I've been doing the Neti pot 2x a day, taking Mucinex and Tylenol. Last night was the first night in a week that I didn't have a headache like my head was being crushed. I hope that's a sign that whatever is going on (allergies, sinusitis, etc.) is clearing up on its own and I won't need antibiotics. I'm still sleeping like crap, my joints hurt, and I get tired really easily. Still no end in sight but I'm hanging in there.

Still In The Middle

This past Saturday was the Northshore Inline skate marathon, the biggest race of the year; and I was not there. My body is pretty messed up - but so is my mind. My emotions. My life. The only thing keeping me going is the hope that this is fixable, and that it's temporary.

First of all, is the physical. I've had a bunch of tests done, apparently my one remaining ovary is not only engulfed in a large cyst, but it is also failing. I get sporadic good days where it pumps out enough hormones to make me feel almost normal, then it sputters and I have a few days of hell. The most interesting thing I've noticed is that when I'm having a good hormone day, my gastroparesis symptoms are not as bad and I can actually eat. It's all tied together. I'm having surgery to remove the ovary (I had a hysterectomy 4 years ago, they took everything else) I'm waiting for my two surgeons to consult and get their schedules aligned. (One surgeon will remove the ovary and any endometriosis, the other one is removing an enlarged and painful lymph node from my armpit.) She will also be on hand to remove adhesions if necessary. The lymph node is benign, it's just been bugging me for almost two years. I figured if I was going to be under anyway, may as well remove it...

After surgery, I will be in menopause. Even though it's obvious that I'm heading that way anyway, I'm still very nervous about it. I will be starting hormone replacement therapy immediately following surgery. I'm scared. Which leads to the other part of my crisis; the mental.... I'm worried about my bipolar disorder acting up, I'm worried about being all moody and evil; and I'm worried that the anxiety will get worse....

I'm not sure what triggers the intense anxiety and panic attacks - I'm suspecting hormones - but I do know that it has completely taken over my life. I do not leave my house unless I absolutely have to, usually just to go to Dr appointments. I also have to have someone drive me because I cannot get into a car unless I'm doped on Xanax. Both of my doctors have urged me to get counseling so I'm starting that on Monday. I really hope it helps because I'm stuck in a cycle that I do not know how to break. Anxiety and panic attacks are the worst things I've ever experienced. I would not wish this on anyone. I cannot even believe how debilitating this has been!! I have no desire to do any of the things I love - I'm trapped inside of my house because I feel safe here....

My quality of life sucks but I have good support, my husband and my dad are taking good care of me. I'm trying to stay upbeat and positive but sometimes it's really hard. I have really bad insomnia right now too, which really doesn't help. I've dropped down to 118 lbs from the worst of the GP flare, but have managed to maintain that weight for over 3 weeks now. I'm eating a bit better, still not back to normal. My hope is that my transition into menopause won't be as rough as I'm fearing, that I'll find a hormone balance that will level me back out, that getting my hormones on track will settle my stomach AND the anxiety down; that I'll find my way back to actually living instead of just existing. I can feel it, it's so close. I just need to stay strong and keep going. I refuse to accept that THIS is my life....

And I will be at Northshore next year.

My diagnosis - and an uncertain future

I went in for a gastric emptying test this past Monday. Basically I ate a meal consisting of scrambled eggs and 1 1/2 slices of toast; the eggs contained a radioactive tracer. As soon as I was done eating, they put me in a scanner that scanned the food in my stomach - I stood there for a minute, then headed to the waiting room for an hour. They scanned me every hour for 2 hours, then I had a 2 hour break before coming back for my final scan. The purpose of the test is to find out how long it takes for food to move from your stomach to your small intestine. At 2 hours, I was at 63% contained (normal is 60%) and at 4 hours I was at 20% contained (normal is 10%). Basically, I still had more food in my stomach than normal. This confirms a diagnosis of Gastroparesis - I was told that mine is 'mild'. 

My particular symptoms are acid reflux, feeling overly full after only a few bites of a meal, shortness of breath, loss of appetite, and abdominal pain and bloating. In the past, I've had flare ups of these symptoms that usually lasted a few days to a couple of weeks, then things calmed back down and life resumed. I'm over a month out since the first sign of this flare up and still no sign of things calming down yet.

There can be a couple of causes for my particular case - I have hypothyroidism and I also have had 2 abdominal surgeries where the vagus nerve could have been damaged. Either way, my digestive system is sluggish. I was put on the drug Domperidone (a motility drug to help speed up the contractions in my stomach) in addition to taking 60 mg of Dexilant (for acid reflux) in the morning and 300 mg of Zantac at night to help control the nighttime acid reflux. (It's been pretty horrible this past week for some reason. I wake up feeling like I'm having a heart attack.) I've also added a probiotic and now have to eat a special diet that consists of some seriously bland food. 

The other thing I'm dealing with is the panic cycle that was set off with the shortness of breath. It has gotten so bad that I can't even drive without having a panic attack. I take Xanax every day. I'm still afraid to try to drive - I can't even imagine skating, the memory of having a panic attack right there on the bike trail is still too fresh in my mind. I doubt if I'll be doing any more skating this year. I'm also severely depressed; and understandably so. Been here before - I know the way through this is time. It just takes time.

I am trying to process what this all means as far as my future as an athlete. The fact that I'm still so new at even BEING an athlete makes this feel even more unfair. I have a theory as to why this flared up when it did and to the extent that it did - everything started once I started training really hard for my first half marathon. I honestly believe that the increase in the intensity of my physical activity is what triggered this. During intense exercise, blood is shunted away from the internal organs to focus on oxygenating the muscles - causing the guts to slow down. In a normal person, this is temporary. For someone with an already slowed down system - it can be pretty devastating. The harder I pushed myself to run, the farther I pushed, the faster I went - the worse my symptoms got.  

So - what does this mean for my future? I'm fairly certain that I won't be running any more half marathons. My bucket list was to do at least one; I did two - so I am okay with this. My HOPE is that I can continue to run, going slower to keep my heart rate down and not going as far so that the stress on my guts won't be as intense or prolonged. As far as skating - well, I don't know yet. Probably the same thing. Not pushing as hard or going as far or as fast to keep my heart rate down. If I race next year, I will be in the rec group skating slow - I hope I can still do full marathons, if not- I'll drop down to the half. As long as I can still skate and run, I'll do whatever I have to do to keep my symptoms in check. But that comes later. I've tried to do a Google search to find athletes coping with Gastroparesis; and only found ONE person. And she's a power lifter. I could not find any runners or endurance athletes. Disheartening. I don't know what to expect.

I do know that my season is over. I won't be skating Northshore. I won't be running the Rock n Roll half marathon. My focus now is getting my body back in balance, and getting my life back to normal. My energy level is pathetic. I'm in pain. I'm depressed. I'm taking in maybe 800 - 1000 calories a day, if even that. I'm really hoping to get to a point where I can start eating normal food instead of pudding, and eggs, and peanut butter, and fruit cups - I feel like my diet is that of an elementary school student!! I miss salads..............

I hope I am open to whatever comes next. Right now I just don't know what that is yet.

Taking it one day at a time...

To be absolutely honest, I feel like I'm in hell right now. My body feels completely out of sync, and my mental health is also suffering. I have to change the way I'm looking at it - obviously there is no quick fix, my skating/running season is more than likely over for the year; so I need to focus on getting my body and mind healthy again. It's a lot harder than dealing with an injury because I don't even know exactly what's wrong yet. I have ideas but until I can get in to see my GI specialist (4 more days....) then I only have some theories. With an injury it's pretty obvious; this bone/ligament/tendon/muscle is injured, you need to do this and this and this to fix it; and no physical activity for x-amount of days/weeks/months...

My painful realization came this past Tuesday. I went skating. I am having trouble with shortness of breath; and I went skating. I was 8 miles in with 2+  miles left to go, and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. My limbs and face started tingling, I had to stop to focus on slowing down my breathing because I was beginning to panic. It took me over 15 minutes to get back to my truck. I thought I had it under control but I realized I was having a panic attack and I could not deal with it on my own. I asked a cyclist to call 911 and an ambulance arrived about 15 minutes later. I don't want to write too much about it, just reliving it is making me feel some anxiety. But I have to note that the paramedics were WONDERFUL. I was lucky to have 2 of them who had actual experience with panic and anxiety so they were very compassionate. When the breathing exercises couldn't bring me down and I couldn't get it under control; they gave me 2 shots of Valium and took me to the hospital. I went to Littleton instead of Skyridge this time, and I actually had a much better experience there. The nurses were a lot more caring ad compassionate, and we had a very thorough discussion with ER doctor. 

I had a CAT scan done and it came back normal, my potassium was low and something with my heart was a little off - he said it wasn't alarming but worth noting. I was given a potassium pill and sent home. I slept from 4:30 pm Tuesday until 7:30 am Wednesday morning. I woke up, took my Thyroid medication and a Reglan, and 20 minutes later I was having a panic attack. Upon doing some reading I have come to the realization that the Reglan exacerbates my anxiety so I am no longer taking it. This really sucks because it was helping with the bloating and overly full feeling in my stomach; which allowed me to eat more.

My primary care physician had me cut my Thyroid medication dose back from 120 mg to 90 mg - apparently my labs for my Thyroid were high last time I was in so I may be over medicated. This can cause a whole host of issues; including some of my current ones. He also mentioned I might have some adhesions; I had 3 abdomen surgeries a couple of years ago, including my gallbladder - I've been having some sharp pains in the area where that used to be. Who knows. It's like all of these 'maybes' but nothing definite yet. Frustrating.

For now, I am having a great deal of anxiety around eating. I am hungry but I'm afraid to eat. I feel dizzy and short of breath; I just want to sleep. I cancelled my trip to Minnesota - there is no way I can even think about traveling with my heath this unstable; let alone competing in the duathlon. Northshore is still a maybe but for now I am thinking I won't be doing that one either. I feel like my season is over.

But I have to get healthy again. I know I will. I'm just right in the middle of it so it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel frustrated. and scared. and sick. I have moments of utter despair and hopelessness but these seem to pass quickly. I just want my life back. I have a lot riding on my visit with the GI doctor. In the meantime, I am taking a lot of Xanax to keep the anxiety at bay so I can at least eat... And I'm watching a lot of movies. (They keep my brain occupied so I quit dwelling on where I'm at right now.) I also had to put my job search on hold as well - I just don't feel stable enough to be starting a new job on top of everything else.

My next update will come after my GI visit. My guess is that I'll have to have another Endoscopy done (camera down the gullet) and maybe some other tests (gastric emptying, etc...) I just need answers; definitive answers so I can start fixing it. The not knowing or just guessing is very, very discouraging.

My Life On Hold

*I'm usually not one to hold back when I blog, I like to be pretty frank and open about things - it's like online journaling for me. So consider yourself warned.*

I've been in hell for the past week. Not literally, but it sure feels like it. I've had stomach issues for a couple of years now, usually bouts of really bad acid reflux with some brief periods of appetite loss and an inability to eat very much. I would go see my GI doc, get some acid reflux medication and resume my life. I've had two endoscopies done - I have a minor hiatal hernia, excess bile in my gut (that happened after I got my gallbladder out) and a 'lazy stomach'. I had no idea what that meant but had a visual of my stomach lying on the sofa watching M.A.S.H reruns and eating bon bons. Unfortunately it means that it doesn't empty as fast as it's supposed to. This can cause minor discomfort (like some bloating, burping, and gas) to some major issues (zero appetite, inability to eat, food fermenting in the gut. Appetizing.)

Ever since I ran my first half marathon in May, my symptoms have been getting progressively worse: and after each race they would increase drastically. A part of me really knew I should have skipped running the Sand Creek 10k on July 13th, but I ran it anyway. The day before I could hardly eat - so I know I didn't get enough calories to support even that short of a run. I felt pretty good afterwards, so I was hopeful. I ate some scrambled eggs and 2 slices of toast when I got home, took it easy. That evening I ate a very lean hamburger (I read that lean ground beef is one of the 'easy to digest' foods) and that's when my issues started. My stomach bloated so much that it pressed on my diaphragm; causing me to feel short of breath. This made me feel like I wasn't getting enough oxygen; so I started to panic. I took 1/4 of  a xanax and that helped. The next day was a similar situation - so I gave up on solid food altogether and started drinking Ensure just so I was getting SOMETHING in me. My husband was out of town all weekend so I have to give some props to my little dog, Casey. I was all alone and he was very comforting during those intense moments before the xanax kicked in...

Monday I had 2 Ensures and a blueberry muffin. I felt so/so. Tuesday I ate scrambled eggs and toast - actually felt pretty good. About 3 hours later, I started feeling off again. Overly full - like I just ate a HUGE meal, with pressure on my diaphragm. I felt like I couldn't breathe. On top of THAT - I was PAINFULLY constipated. I will admit, I had an epic meltdown, I felt hopeless, helpless and really scared. I just laid on the floor sobbing; with Casey curled up as close as he could get to me. My husband came home from work to take me to the ER. On the way, I was breathing really shallow because of the pressure in my lower gut. I had no idea that this is the same thing as hyper ventilating. As we pulled up to the ER, my body was tingling so bad and the muscles in my arms, legs, and face just sort of froze: I couldn't move. This made me panic even more!! I thought I was dying. The ER nurses rushed me back and got me breathing straight oxygen. Eventually this helped my arms and legs loosen up. A shot of Ativan (for the panic) and a shot of Reglan (for my stomach) and I almost felt human again. Unfortunately I neglected to effectively communicate to them that the constipation was also pretty bad... They sent me home with a prescription for Reglan. (This is a motility drug; it is supposed to help the stomach empty.) That night I ate some rice and grilled chicken. Holy cow, real food...

Then, Thursday came. Oh my fucking God. I've always wondered how awful it would be to have to go to the hospital because you couldn't poop. I am here to tell you that it is just as awful as you would imagine. I don't want to go into too much detail because matters of the bowels tend to be extremely distasteful - so I'll just say that I tried a few home remedies with zero success and I was in a great deal of pain. Believe me, going to the ER for THAT was a very last resort! The nurses were wonderful. They didn't even bat an eye at my extreme humiliation and embarrassment. They did an xray to make sure I didn't have any obstructions (nope, just impacted. Awesome.) They tried two remedies with minimal success, then sent me home with the same stuff they give patients to drink prior to having a colonoscopy done. Lucky for me, once I got home I was able to get relief without having to drink that stuff!!

Yesterday I discovered two things. Reglan makes me feel extremely dizzy and uncomfortable; and just the idea of eating is enough to trigger anxiety. We went to Denny's and I started having a panic attack before we even ordered food. After 1/4 xanax and a bit of walking around I was able to eat a sandwich, strawberries, and some pudding at home. I spent the day on the sofa, I am so fatigued from not getting enough nutrients in me.... Today I took the Reglan and attempted to eat some eggs, a slice of toast and some strawberries. I ate about half but didn't have any anxiety.

One of the most frustrating things has been trying to get in to see a GI doctor. My appointment is on July 29th. I have called so many times to try to change that and no luck. I've also called a few other GI doctors and it's the same thing. I feel like my life is completely on hold. I have no idea if this is permanent or something that can be fixed - I'm not even sure what's going on in my body! I can't run. I can't skate. I just want to sleep. I would give anything to be able to eat a giant plate of delicious Mexican food.

For now I'm thinking I won't be able to do the Minnesota Duathlon on August 3rd and I am extremely disappointed. But I can't train. I have to have faith that this is a temporary setback, that this is NOT how my life is going to continue to be. Even if I have to cut back the intensity of my physical activities I'd be okay with that - this inability to do anything is depressing as hell. I almost think it would be easier if I had some type of injury, it just seems weird that I can't exercise because of my stomach. It seems so much easier to say I can't skate because I pulled a muscle rather than I can't skate because my guts are fucked up. I don't know, I'm bitter and frustrated right now. I'm meeting some friends for lunch today, and I'll admit that I'm nervous. But I need to face this shit and re-train my body to NOT have anxiety. (Anyone who has ever had a panic attack knows that once you're in a cycle it's hard to break it.)

So. That is me. That is where I am. This year started out SO strong and I've done SO MUCH so I'm at least happy for that. I just hope I'll be able to do Northshore in September!!!!!

And Just Like That; Confidence Regained.

Today I tried out the new speed brake I bought from The Skate Shop Now - it is a Powerslide speed brake, and it fits beautifully on my Bont 3PF 7050 frame. It didn't take me more than a few seconds to remember how to heel brake, and I was off. 

I skated 20 easy miles today, the main difference being I no longer slowed down to a crawl to go under bridges, or around blind corners, or down small hills - something I had been doing. I had to brake twice for pedestrians and had no issues. I am very, very happy. I feel confident once more. I am still amazed at how much of my confidence is tied to a tiny piece of rubber, but whatever works!

I also did some tweaking with my hydration - I've been having some major issues with electrolyte imbalances while running; so I figured it wouldn't hurt to tweak this while skating either. It was about 85 degrees when I was skating so not too hot - but I tend to sweat like crazy no matter how hot it is; and when it's hotter I just sweat even more. I soak through anything I'm wearing and end up with a crusty layer of salt all over my skin. So for me personally, I know that electrolyte replacement is essential. I have been skating with coconut water and Gatorade - but that is a LOT of sugar and empty calories. Especially when I drop a GU or 2 in on top of it. Today I had one Nuun tablet in 24 oz of water, and 16 oz of plain water. This is my first time trying Nuun, I had the tri-berry flavor and I really liked it. It's not overly sweet at all. I ate a GU at 30 minutes; I was out for an hour and a half. I drank all of the Nuun water and almost all of the regular water - and I was soaked with sweat. I did one scoop of Max Muscle ARM (lemon lime) in 12 oz of water for my recovery drink. I'll shower, then eat a nice healthy lunch. Right now I feel pretty good; just have a little bit of a headache but NO stomach cramps. I probably could have done a GU before I started but wanted to try this out. Overall I felt like I had a consistent energy level in spite of the heat. 

I'll probably just focus on shorter skates for now - my next race is a half marathon. The next full one isn't until September. Now that I have my confidence back I need to get my speed up! Ok, must shower, I smell pretty rank...

One Size Does NOT Fit All.

When I strapped on my first pair of inline skates 18 years ago - I didn't ask anyone how to skate. Or how to stop. I skated around my garage until I had a grasp on the balance thing; then I took off down a trail. I had NO IDEA how to stop. I had to do a scary drop and roll while crossing a busy street; I was picking gravel out of my shoulder for two days! This is what made me slow down and take the time to learn how to use my heel brake. I taught myself. I fell a lot those early days, but eventually I got it and skating became really, really fun. I didn't wear pads or a  helmet; I wore cut-offs and tank tops with a baseball hat. It wasn't exercise, I skated based on TIME, no clue as to how far I was going or how fast; "I skated an hour today". I just wanted to be outside having fun!

Flash forward to 2011, and I discovered this whole world of skaters out there - and actual skate events. And that began a new learning and growing process for me. I used to get so frustrated when I would see other skaters pass me on the trail; so I kept buying faster bearings. I had no idea that it was actually small wheels holding me back. Bit by bit I began to learn new things to take my skating to the next level. I have some really amazing skate friends who are super passionate and knowledgeable - but I soon became overwhelmed with information. 

I have to admit; I'm hesitant to write this blog. I don't want to upset anyone. But there are some things that have been really bothering me. They were just nagging thoughts until I began running. The running community is so different from the skating community. The running mentality is 'whatever works for you'. So I run a 5K with a full fuel belt? I'm not judged for that. I feel embarrassed because I think I run slow: I get nothing but positive feedback and encouragement. I wear spandex shorts instead of traditional running shorts - nobody bats an eye because nobody CARES. Whatever works for you. I have questions about socks, or compression gear, or chafing - the advice I get always starts with 'well, this is what works for me; it may or may not work for you, but you could try it'. I have NEVER had anyone say 'do it this way or you are a sucky runner and a loser'. Never. I ran a race where I saw a dude running in jeans and a t-shirt! I didn't judge, hey man, whatever works for YOU.

Skating is not like that. Ditch the visor on your helmet, you look like a weenie. Ditch your brake, real skaters don't need a brake. It's a very judgmental sport. It makes me feel sad because it is a dying sport. You would think that with as small of a community as we are, we would embrace everyone who chooses to put inline skates on; regardless of their gear, or the size of their wheels, or if they wear full pads and need a heel brake. I mean honestly, why should it even matter? I had to stop visiting an online forum because the attacks on anyone doing things deemed 'incorrect' by other skaters depressed me. I just don't get it. I narrowed down the number of people I seek advice from and started only going to them. My friends. I still get unsolicited advice from skaters whenever I post something they don't agree with; and that pisses me off. If I want advice, I'll ask someone I trust in my circle. I've been on the speed skates for a year and a half; I've skated 6 marathons, 1 half marathon, and the 38 mile portion of Athens to Atlanta. (I also skated the half marathon, my first full marathon, and A2A on rec skates with a heel brake.) I get it, I know what I'm capable of, I know what makes me uncomfortable and what makes me feel confident. I'm done with conforming to the ideal, it's time that I do WHAT WORKS FOR ME.

First and foremost, I am getting a brake for my skates. I don't give a fuck if it makes me look like a dweeb. I have lost so much of my confidence when I trail skate that I don't even look forward to it anymore. I automatically start imagining all of the worst case scenarios that can come up; and I feel reluctant. And fearful. I do know how to t-stop and snow plow. I do. BUT - I cannot do it at high speed. So guess what I do? Yep. I skate SLOW. Not conducive to training for a RACE. I won't wear a brake while I race, I feel super confident when I know I won't be dealing with the same kind of traffic that congests the trail I skate. But for the conditions I train in, a brake makes sense. 

I'm not interested in being an elite skater. I am not interested in going pro. I skate because it's fun. And I enjoy it. I like racing but I will never be super fast. I'm totally okay with this. My unsolicited advice to the judgmental skaters is to think about what you're doing. What works for you may or may not work for someone else, so do you really have to make them feel bad if they choose to do it a different way? People like to have choices and options; there really truly is no one size fits all when it comes to skating. We should encourage each other to enjoy the sport at our respective levels. Don't be such a skate snob. And if putting a stupid brake on my skate will help me regain my confidence and start enjoying my trail skates again; then it is more than worth having a select few skaters deem me a loser. The fact that I'm out there at all tells me that I'm not.

Hmm... My Rudy Project helmet actually came with a really cool visor. I may just throw that back on too....