Why the small victories taste so sweet

While embracing the journey that has been the year 2011 - I have made a lot of wonderful new friends. I realized that most of them have no idea what I've been through or where I came from - and therefore might not understand why even the smallest accomplishments feel so significant to me. So I thought I would do a quick recap and hopefully then it will make more sense.

In March of 1998, my younger brother Mike went into the hospital with what we thought was pneumonia. We soon found out that he was HIV positive and had reached the point of having full blown AIDS. We never even had a chance to learn how to deal with this because on April 14th, 1998: he died. He was only 24 years old. A month after that, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. After a very difficult fight, she passed away on October 24th, 1998 at the age of 54. My family was very tight knit, and at 27, I was still very much a mama's girl. We hadn't even begun to process through losing Mike when we had to focus on the fact that we were now also without our mother. We all fell apart in our own ways and I very loudly deconstructed.

My mom and little brother - I'm guessing this was taken in the late 80's/early 90's.

I pretty much lost my mind and ended up in a very unhealthy relationship. In August of 2000 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and put on a myriad of drugs. None of the shrinks bothered to maybe just TALK to me and give me some tools to help cope with my grief - instead they put me through a hellish nightmare of psychotropic drugs; the side effects were unbearable. At one point I was taking seven different drugs a day. I gained 40 pounds in the span of a month. My hair thinned and fell out. I had panic attacks, trouble swallowing, hallucinations, tingling, twitching, nightmares, paranoia - it was by far and away the absolute worst period of my life. I became reclusive and couldn't hold a job. I knew my relationship was part of the problem but I was too fragile and far too weak to end it and strike out on my own. I wanted to die so badly but was too afraid to commit suicide so I just fell into this weird sort of existing without really living mode. IT WAS AWFUL. 

This is me in the summer of 2000. I think I was about 160 lbs.

At some point I became an advocate for my own health care. I did research. I learned that I could say 'no, I don't want to take that medication. Give me another option.' I started exercising, I was able to work again, and in 2005 I was finally able to end my marriage and start focusing on rebuilding my life. In 2006 I opted to dump ALL head meds and deal with the bipolar naturally. (Vitamins, diet, exercise, life stability.) I still have ups and downs but for the most part I am aware and can deal with minimal damage control needed!

Even with these life improvements, I still struggled to become the strong person I had always envisioned in my mind. Not just physically strong, but mentally and emotionally. I wanted to be fierce, fearless - empowered. But I couldn't figure out how to get there. I am not sure how or why - but at some point this year something inside of me finally clicked and I now feel like I am beginning to embody my vision. I am completely elated...

I couldn't have done it without the support of my current husband - who loves me, supports my dreams, and calls me on my bullshit. Or my dad, who was so stoked about my time at St Paul that I had to hold the phone away from my ear while he yelled with pride. Or all of my friends who have been with me from the beginning and who KNOW how far I've come - who tell me I inspire THEM. But most of all, I never gave up on myself. The strength had to have been there all along, I just needed to figure out how to mine it.

So... There you go - the painful, dirty details of what I consider to be the black hole of my life.

This has definitely been my year to thrive, and I am still going full speed ahead! I feel so resolutely driven that it's almost scary! (Driven. what a new sensation for me. I'm used to the motto 'when the going gets tough - I'm outta here'.) I reached my goal of 1000 miles skated in 2011 on August 27th - and I believe I may be able to tack an additional 500-700 miles to that number. The Northshore Marathon is in less than 3 weeks and I am SO excited!! I can't wait to experience that race! I am also signed up for Athens to Atlanta, I will be completing the 38 mile stretch from Athens to Dacula. For me - this will definitely be a challenge of stamina and endurance and the true test of my ability. This is what I've been training for and I cannot wait! I still might try to wing the Houston marathon as well, maybe as an early Christmas present to myself!!! After that race it will be the beginning of ski season, and learning how to snowboard is on that list of goals I made at the beginning of the year...  

I have learned to treasure and cherish every moment life has to offer. Appreciate the beauty. Love the people who deserve your love, and let go of the ones who don't. But most of all - don't keep putting things off. If you can do something then do it! The feeling of actually accomplishing something is way more satisfying than the idea.