If you can dream it...

I have just 4 more days until the Northshore marathon. My very first full inline skating marathon ever! If you would've told me even just a year ago that I'd be getting ready to fly to Minnesota to skate in a marathon, I would've laughed in your face. Me? Sheyah, riight!! A year ago I didn't have the drive, motivation, or faith in myself that I have now... Considering some of the awesome cycles of failure in my past - it's amazing I've come this far! The St. Paul half marathon was amazing, but that was just a taste of it and I want so much more! I feel confident that I will have a blast and do fairly well, however, there is a part of me that is still struggling with some fear and doubt. I had a dream that I woke up late and missed the race. I had another dream where I got lost on the way to the starting line and somehow ended up back at my house. I also had a dream where I was skating the course and got lost... (I ended up flying in that one though, so it turned out to be pretty cool.) It seems like my subconscious is trying to work through some worst case scenarios or something, but at some point I recalled the time I tried to get my motorcycle license...

Oh, you didn't know that I once attempted to get a motorcycle license? Oh yes, I did. And it was a failure of epic proportions...

It was October 2003, I had just lost all of the weight I'd gained during my phase of being a shrink's drug guinea pig. I was feeling incredibly confidence and self-assured. My ex had been pushing me to get my license so we could ride together, and I finally felt confident that I could do it. I signed up for the three day course at the community college and showed up ready to rock. The first night was easy, we just sat in a classroom and went over laws and that sort of thing. The next day, we actually got on the bikes... I did great that first day, I had so much fun and was really enjoying learning to ride. On the final day, we were to do the riding part of the exam and then the written part - and then we would be licensed riders!

The day started out bad, it was so damn hot and we were in full gear. To top it off; I somehow ended up as the second person in line. So here I am, feeling self-conscious because everyone was watching me, it's hot as hell; and I'm not riding so well. I flubbed up some figure 8 thing and was just not feeling it. We lined up to do this braking portion (you get up to 3rd gear then have to break inside this box) and there are two classes lined up side by side. My turn comes, I gun it, jam the brakes expecting to line up perfectly inside the box. It didn't quite work out that way. In fact, I can't tell you exactly what happened. One minute I'm seeing the box, and the next minute I'm seeing the sky. I somehow jammed up the brakes and completely flipped the bike. After the instructor made sure the bike was okay, he checked on me. I just felt stunned and completely humiliated. BOTH classes were staring at me. He told me to stick around and at least take the written exam, then schedule to do the riding exam again the next month. I said sure, let me use the bathroom first and I'll be right back... I went in the building, bypassed the bathroom, snuck out the back door, got into my truck; and never looked back... I didn't even realize I was injured until I got home. (Nothing serious, I jacked up my foot and couldn't wear a shoe for three days and had all sorts of pretty bruises all over.)

It was a humbling experience. I had this thought that maybe, just maybe - some people are never meant to be any better than they are. Maybe some people just reach a certain point of mediocrity, and that is their lot in life; destined to hit a wall and never be able to rise above it. Maybe some lucky people are just born with the over-achiever, good-at-everything-they-do gene; while the rest get squat. I felt that I was one of those people - that I had reached the wall and would never be any better than that. For a long time after that, I did not attempt to do anything that would require me to push myself past any of my perceived boundaries. I figured, what was the point?

During the journey that has been the year 2011 - the year I break bad habits, cycles, and negative ways of thinking on my way to becoming the person I truly want to be - I have reshaped that original thought. Maybe the reason people fail is because they don't attempt to explore their options to find the things that they're truly good at, the things that they feel truly passionate about. Maybe they attempt things because they're expected to (as I did with the motorcycle. I didn't want it - the ex did.) Maybe people fail not because they don't try hard enough to succeed; maybe they're just trying to succeed at the wrong things.

I do know that 'if you can dream it, you can achieve it' is a complete crock of shit because we're not all built the same way.  I used to dream of being an astronaut, but guess what? I'm too stupid to be an astronaut. So I'll leave that to the smart people and I'll skate. Because it's what I'm good at.