Why the small victories taste so sweet

While embracing the journey that has been the year 2011 - I have made a lot of wonderful new friends. I realized that most of them have no idea what I've been through or where I came from - and therefore might not understand why even the smallest accomplishments feel so significant to me. So I thought I would do a quick recap and hopefully then it will make more sense.

In March of 1998, my younger brother Mike went into the hospital with what we thought was pneumonia. We soon found out that he was HIV positive and had reached the point of having full blown AIDS. We never even had a chance to learn how to deal with this because on April 14th, 1998: he died. He was only 24 years old. A month after that, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. After a very difficult fight, she passed away on October 24th, 1998 at the age of 54. My family was very tight knit, and at 27, I was still very much a mama's girl. We hadn't even begun to process through losing Mike when we had to focus on the fact that we were now also without our mother. We all fell apart in our own ways and I very loudly deconstructed.

My mom and little brother - I'm guessing this was taken in the late 80's/early 90's.

I pretty much lost my mind and ended up in a very unhealthy relationship. In August of 2000 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and put on a myriad of drugs. None of the shrinks bothered to maybe just TALK to me and give me some tools to help cope with my grief - instead they put me through a hellish nightmare of psychotropic drugs; the side effects were unbearable. At one point I was taking seven different drugs a day. I gained 40 pounds in the span of a month. My hair thinned and fell out. I had panic attacks, trouble swallowing, hallucinations, tingling, twitching, nightmares, paranoia - it was by far and away the absolute worst period of my life. I became reclusive and couldn't hold a job. I knew my relationship was part of the problem but I was too fragile and far too weak to end it and strike out on my own. I wanted to die so badly but was too afraid to commit suicide so I just fell into this weird sort of existing without really living mode. IT WAS AWFUL. 

This is me in the summer of 2000. I think I was about 160 lbs.

At some point I became an advocate for my own health care. I did research. I learned that I could say 'no, I don't want to take that medication. Give me another option.' I started exercising, I was able to work again, and in 2005 I was finally able to end my marriage and start focusing on rebuilding my life. In 2006 I opted to dump ALL head meds and deal with the bipolar naturally. (Vitamins, diet, exercise, life stability.) I still have ups and downs but for the most part I am aware and can deal with minimal damage control needed!

Even with these life improvements, I still struggled to become the strong person I had always envisioned in my mind. Not just physically strong, but mentally and emotionally. I wanted to be fierce, fearless - empowered. But I couldn't figure out how to get there. I am not sure how or why - but at some point this year something inside of me finally clicked and I now feel like I am beginning to embody my vision. I am completely elated...

I couldn't have done it without the support of my current husband - who loves me, supports my dreams, and calls me on my bullshit. Or my dad, who was so stoked about my time at St Paul that I had to hold the phone away from my ear while he yelled with pride. Or all of my friends who have been with me from the beginning and who KNOW how far I've come - who tell me I inspire THEM. But most of all, I never gave up on myself. The strength had to have been there all along, I just needed to figure out how to mine it.

So... There you go - the painful, dirty details of what I consider to be the black hole of my life.

This has definitely been my year to thrive, and I am still going full speed ahead! I feel so resolutely driven that it's almost scary! (Driven. what a new sensation for me. I'm used to the motto 'when the going gets tough - I'm outta here'.) I reached my goal of 1000 miles skated in 2011 on August 27th - and I believe I may be able to tack an additional 500-700 miles to that number. The Northshore Marathon is in less than 3 weeks and I am SO excited!! I can't wait to experience that race! I am also signed up for Athens to Atlanta, I will be completing the 38 mile stretch from Athens to Dacula. For me - this will definitely be a challenge of stamina and endurance and the true test of my ability. This is what I've been training for and I cannot wait! I still might try to wing the Houston marathon as well, maybe as an early Christmas present to myself!!! After that race it will be the beginning of ski season, and learning how to snowboard is on that list of goals I made at the beginning of the year...  

I have learned to treasure and cherish every moment life has to offer. Appreciate the beauty. Love the people who deserve your love, and let go of the ones who don't. But most of all - don't keep putting things off. If you can do something then do it! The feeling of actually accomplishing something is way more satisfying than the idea.

I am Northshore Bound!!

Well, I did it! I registered for the Northshore Inline Marathon on September 17th!!! My friend Susan lives in Hastings, so she'll pick me up from the airport on the 16th to make the 2.5 hour drive to Duluth: we'll arrive in time to check in and have a nice dinner. Saturday morning is the race, I signed up for wave 2 - so we start at 7:54 am. I also managed to get a hotel room within 10 minutes of the finish line!! My goal is to finish the race in under 2 hours: the faster the better!

http://northshoreinline.com/

After the race and a quick shower, (26.2 miles will put a serious funk on me! hahaha!!) we plan on doing some touristy sight seeing stuff! (Gooseberry Falls & Split Rock. I do not know what either of those things are, but Susan seems to think I will enjoy them!)

I am very excited to do my first full marathon, and I am really looking forward to spending some time with my friend! I hope to meet some new friends in Duluth as well! I still plan on doing Houston, I just couldn't wait that long to do another marathon! I have the BUG!!

So for now I will start the longer distance training again - I will set my distance goal for my weekday skates to 18-20 miles and my weekend skates to 25-30 miles. I plan on skating on the Street Fights again, because those wheels are friggin FAST!!

I need to make sure I pace myself so I do not burn out before the end of the race... I have a habit of going balls to the wall for the first 13-15 miles, pacing myself for several miles; then dragging ass the last 3-5 miles. I don't want to drag ass at all... :)

Hope to see some of my new skater friends in Duluth!!

Having a pivotal year!

piv·ot·al/ˈpivətl/Adjective

1. Of crucial importance in relation to the development or success of something else.

2. Vitally important: critical.

As I sat on my ass in front of the TV watching the ball drop on New Years Eve, I contemplated new years resolutions. I hate making resolutions; I never stick to them. So a friend of mine suggested I use the word 'intentions' instead - the word 'intention' doesn't sound nearly as binding as 'resolution', so maybe with a little wiggle room I might actually achieve some success. I set about making a list of new years 'intentions'. I did not realize that I was about to begin an extremely pivotal and monumentally important year.

My first intention for this - the year I turned 40 - was to get into the best shape of my life. Period. Once and for all. I started out the year carrying an extra 10+ lbs of winter squishiness; and now - except for a bit of a muffin top (which I hear is common for someone who is 'my age') I have reached this intention. From here I will strive to become stronger, leaner and healthier; but I am currently in the best shape I've ever been in. And it feels amazing!

My second intention for this year was to skate 500 miles... Then 700... Then 1000. Currently I am at 867 miles skated for 2011; so 1000 is well within my reach. Skating no longer became just about the mileage goals however; I wanted to become faster and better. It has been an evolution of sorts - I can't even begin to describe how cool it is to feel the transformation of recreational skater (all gawky upright stance, arms all over the place, legs stick straight) into a more fluid and intense skater. I still have a lot of work to do but just knowing that I've evolved this much gives me the enthusiasm to continue to grow. It is an ongoing process and I love every minute of it!

My third intention was geared towards my career. I initially wanted to work to move forward within the company I'm at now. I've been here 4 years and I'm completely stagnant. I tried - believe me I tried - to get ahead but for some reason I cannot. The frustration, and the apathy, and this feeling of being STUCK has led me to decide to go back to school... I've been kicking it around for YEARS, but fear has kept me from pursuing it. About a month ago (after a particularly drab day in cubicle HELL) I made the decision, applied for admission at the local community college; and started making plans for life AFTER payroll... I am going for a Human Performance/Fitness Science degree. I want to help people get to where I am at, I want to do something that I feel passionately about. I am very excited and cannot wait to get started! After I get my A.A.S, I will sit for the Health Fitness Instructor certification. From there, I will work for 500 hours (probably doing personal training or some other type of instruction) after that I hope to sit for another certification that will allow me to work with people who have special needs; disabilities, or recovering cancer patients, or veterans; something like that. I believe that this will give me a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Somewhere during this journey I've been taking all year - this vital, important year - I've developed some really strong self confidence. And I attribute it to the skating. See, I've always been an EPIC under-achiever. Someone who is average across the board. To see how far I've come with my skating has given me the confidence to BELIEVE that I am actually capable of doing so much more in so many other areas. I don't HAVE to be average. I'm definitely not average when it comes to inline skating; I'm pretty good and only getting better. Wow, what an amazing feeling... I feel like I can do anything, and that confidence trumps the fear... Finally. Chris -1, Fear - 0.

So here I am. 8 months into 2011. I start school next month - just one class for now. (It's been 20 years since I've taken any classes - it's probably best to start slow...) I have a plan that has me working here for one more year, then going part-time to work/full-time to school with the hopes of graduating sometime in 2014. I am on an amazing fitness journey, now I have even more reasons to keep at it; I want to be an example of practice what you preach, I mean - who can trust a fat personal trainer??

The true test will come when the weather changes, and the days get shorter, and I can't skate every day: but I don't intend to HAVE an off season this year. I have warm clothes; I figure if the sun is out and there is no snow on the ground (and it's not below 45 degrees) I don't see any reason why I can't skate. I also plan on doing some skiing/snowboarding. Why not? I bet it would be a blast... and life should be an adventure!

I skated last night. I didn't want to, I have been fighting a head cold and had a pretty bad sinus headache. The sky looked stormy. The wind was blowing. But the desire to be wheels down was too strong - I hadn't skated in a WEEK! So, I figured I'd just take it easy, do a short 10 mile roll and then head home to relax... Funny thing, once I hit the trail, my body took over. I skated pretty hard. I got rained on. I went full out for almost 16 miles and maintained a 15.1 mph average. The wind was in my face the entire way back. I didn't care - I was in my happy place. This year has been one of the best I've had in a very long time. No matter what happens; I am going to always, always treasure the way I feel right now.

(I'm still trying to make Northshore happen - I cannot WAIT to do a full marathon!!!)

The Minnesota Half Marathon!

So the Minnesota half marathon was this past Saturday and I did it!! My husband and I arrived in Minneapolis on Friday, my husband dealing with a horrible cold (that I kept praying would spare me - at least until after the race!!!!) My friend Susan (who lives there) picked us up from the airport. We hit up the expo at the hotel (kind of disappointing) did some walking around, then Susan and I drove the race course. There was one part that had me a little scared; the first turn was an off ramp that was downhill with a sharp left turn. The rest of the course looked totally manageable. I tried not to obsess over that turn.... After we got back to the hotel, I FINALLY got a chance to meet my friend Kelly. He's been a bit of a mentor and inspiration to me so it was really cool to finally meet him.

We were up at 5 am the next morning, and I woke up feeling sick!!!! But once I got up and got ready, I was feeling a bit better. We headed out for a quick breakfast (cereal bar and a banana) then down to the starting line. Along the way we stopped to admire the view - I love early morning!

We got to the starting line and I laced on my skates for a few warm up laps around the road - test the surface and get my muscles warm; as well as get my head in the right place. I had a little bit of a sore throat but overall I felt really good!

I saw my friend Kelly and we lined up next to each other. I wished him a good [and safe] race; and next thing I knew, it was our turn to head out!!! We started up the road towards that scary turn and I kept trying not to think about it. I tagged onto the backs of various pace lines to snake my way through the masses and break out of the pack. Each time a pace line slowed down, I broke off and found a faster one. I was starting down the off ramp at the back of a pace line, but I got scared and slowed down... As I rounded the turn I realized that I could have made the turn a lot faster. I worked to catch back up with the pace line and skated with them for a while. 

This is the pace line I moved in and out of. They could NOT maintain a consistent pace and that frustrated me. I skated in/along side them for a good 8 miles before finally breaking away and skating on my own. (You can see me off to the side getting ready to break away again)

I drafted a few skaters here and there but it seemed like I had some type of advantage on the hills. I've been training on hills at altitude, so sprinting up the hills felt like a breeze. I passed the majority of the skaters I passed on the uphill portions of the race. Another really cool thing was that my muscles seemed to recover from the sprints super fast, so they felt ready to work after only a few seconds of resting! It surprised me!! 

Towards the end of the race, I was skating along side and behind 3 or 4 women. As I steadily passed them one by one; one woman seemed highly annoyed that I passed her. She made a point (and a comment) as she got back in front of me. Fine, get in front of me - I just drafted her for the last part of the race!!! Here are a couple shots of me and the annoyed girl coming up to the finish line. The two women behind me are skaters who started out well ahead of me!!!

Passing the finish line!! Whew that was sooo awesome!!!

I felt REALLY strong, and I had worked really hard; so I figured I had done pretty well; but I had NO idea I did as well as I did!!! According to my Endomondo tracking on my phone - I averaged 16.6 mph!!! 

My official time was 47:28.94. I finished 20/170 women, 6/40 in my age division; and 73/376 overall!!!!! That is WAY better than I had expected!!!! 

Me with my friend Susan! It was so good to see her!

Me and Kelly

my husband (and awesome photographer) Allen and I, he is SO supportive!!!

That was an amazing experience and I had SO MUCH FUN!! Now I'm thinking I may just do the Northshore marathon next month because I don't think I can wait until November to do another race!!! I am officially HOOKED!!!