A2A, 38 mile finish line; 2011

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Bye Bye 2012

Well.... Here I am, knee deep in the off season and feeling strangely lost and undefined. I usually have my goals for the next year figured out by now - but I have no idea what I want to accomplish in 2013. I'm struggling with my usual seasonal depression, working out only intermittently and with no clear sense of purpose. When I think of the 2013 skate season - I just feel blank. I've accomplished the goals I set out to accomplish there, so what comes next? Why do I not feel enthusiastic about simply becoming a better skater? I know I have no desire to skate at the pro level, I discovered my boundaries this year and doing what it takes to skate at that level is one of them. I know, I could try to break through those boundaries - but what if I fail? I don't want to experience failure in the one area of my life where I've actually experienced the taste of success! So does that mean playing it safe to keep my feelings from getting hurt? Or do I take that chance? I'm not in the right frame of mind right now to make that choice, so I'll leave it at that.

Overall 2012 was a really good year, and I accomplished everything I set out to do. I skated a race at the pro level. (It was pretty sad; but I still did it.) I skated 4 races (goal was 3). I didn't get my 1:25 marathon time, but only missed it by ONE minute. So close enough! I started running and did 2 mud runs and 2 5K races. (I did not have a time goal - my goal was to simply complete the run without stopping. I succeeded both times.) I did not skate as many miles as I did in 2011, but this was also a transitional year for me. So I am okay with that. Maybe a mileage goal will once again be an important one in 2013 - especially since I finally feel that my Bonts are molded to the point where I can skate comfortably for long distances WITH socks!

I do know one thing is for certain; I need to stop comparing myself to other people. It is okay to let people inspire and motivate me with their accomplishments - but that doesn't mean I should think any less of myself if I am unable (or unwilling) to do what it takes to do what they are doing. I need to remind myself that this is MY journey. If I don't like skating indoors - then that's okay. It's not my thing. I'll hang tight until I can skate outside again. If I don't feel like doing boot camp or spinning or going balls to the wall in the gym 6 days a week - then that's okay too. I have my own fitness path to follow, I'm in a different place at a different pace and I need to be okay with that. I know what I enjoy doing so I need to just focus on doing those things. I think that is definitely a goal for 2013 - being comfortable with who I am and where I'm at. I know for certain that I'm in better shape now than I have ever been before, and that each year I work a little harder and do a little more as I'm pushing through depressive episodes; and that is HUGE. I forget that sometimes when I'm in the moment - I forget that I have made a lot of progress even in just the past 5 years. Compared to the person I was 10 years ago? Forget it... I cannot even relate. So my success comes in these steps that feel really small - but I guess in reality they're pretty big. To ME. I cannot compare my journey to that of someone else.

So that's where I am, 2 days away from a brand new year. I'm pretty sure that when spring is in the air the desire to skate will fill me with that euphoric joy, and a whole new adventure will begin.