Still Holding On

I'm almost afraid to write this. My life has been a roller coaster ride for the past 8 months with no signs of slowing down yet. Every time I think I'm on the way up and I'm in the clear; I take another ride down. The rides down are harsh and do some serious damage to my confidence. I know this is supposed to be a skating blog and I sincerely hope that soon it will be once more; but for now it's a place for me to work through the situation and update anyone who is wondering how I'm doing.

I'm trying not to feel angry, or bitter, or let down. Nobody told me it was going to be like this. Nobody told me that this stuff is all tied together, our bodies work in harmony and when the chemicals that drive those systems go wonky - everything goes wonky. My GI doctor had no idea if my hormone imbalance was affecting my digestive system; research I've done says yes it is. My original gynecologist said there's no way my anxiety and panic attacks were caused by my hormones being out of balance; research I've done says yes they are. I think it sucks that you have to go out and educate yourself about these things; then go back to your doctor and tell them they're wrong. I know, I know, just because I 'read it on the internet' doesn't make it right. But I'm reading medical research documents, I'm comparing to postings by numerous other women, I'm reading blogs and articles posted by members of the medical community. I can tell you from experience that my digestive stuff IS getting better since using the hormone replacement cream; I'm eating more, I'm gaining weight, and I'm not having as many issues as I was having before. (Like constipation or feeling overly full and unable to take in enough calories.)

In the meantime, my primary care physician is still out on leave - he should be back in a couple of weeks. It has been very hard going through all of this without his guidance and advice. The PA they have filling in for him pushed two types of antidepressants at me and won't give me anymore Xanax. She also got mad because I wouldn't drop my thyroid medication down to bring my TSH levels up - so she's still in the dark ages as far as how to dose for thyroid as well! I refused to drop my dose so she wouldn't refill my prescription - I asked my hormone guy to do it. He also goes by TSH unfortunately, but at least he filled my prescription. The problem is that I'm having hypothyroid symptoms, so I increased back up to my original dose on my own (from 90 mg to 120 mg) because based my my T3 and T4 numbers I already know that my primary care doctor would've done the same thing. Been on that dose for 3 days now and I'm already feeling better.

As far as my other hormones, I saw my doctor a couple of weeks ago and had blood drawn, my estrogen levels barely budged (went from 52 to 54) and my testosterone is still below optimum; but my progesterone was really high. So he cut that back and increased the E and T. Been on that dose for about 3 1/2 days and yesterday I actually felt totally normal for the first time in months. I didn't feel overstimulated, I didn't feel anxious, I didn't feel fearful; I felt normal. I'm actually starting to WANT to get out of the house, to go drive, to go walk, to just get out - and I have not been feeling that way. I've been extremely reluctant to leave the house. I had a very bad panic attack 3 weeks ago at the nail salon, and that was a huge blow to my confidence. I had driven myself and needed my dad to go pick me up. It's frustrating when you feel like you have zero independence. And it also makes it hard to want to move forward when each time you do you get knocked back. You get sick of it. It's easier to not bother.

I gave into easier for a while. Hid out at home. Started accepting that this is it - this is the new me, this is my new life.

But I really don't want this. It's not acceptable. But fighting is exhausting. Panic attacks that won't go away are exhausting. And as far as people giving me advice all I can say is if you haven't lived it - if you haven't been where I am - then I don't want to hear it. I'm currently only able to relate to women who are in menopause and dealing with anxiety. They know it's not 'just anxiety'. It's a whole bunch of other things too. I've made a couple of new friends who are in the exact same situation and they are the ones I turn to because they get it. They understand exactly what I'm going through and they help me understand. I don't want to delve into the whole list of other symptoms I'm experiencing along side the anxiety; but some of them are bizarre and just as debilitating. This is by far and away one of the worst phases of my life ever. The only thing worse was dealing with the deaths of my little brother and my mom. This is definitely testing my limits.

And now the part I'm afraid to write. I'm feeling better. I am not taking the drugs the PA pushed at me, I trust my hormone guy when he tells me he believes that it's only a matter of getting my hormones balanced. (I was totally fine without antidepressants before my hormones went wonky so to me that makes sense.) I'm anxious to sit down with my primary care physician to discuss everything with him, I really need to find a better solution for my sleep disturbances - right now that's what I'm using the Xanax for, to help me sleep and even that is losing it's effectiveness. I dread bedtime. One of the antidepressants the PA gave me is called Silenor, it's for insomnia but I'm afraid to take it... I want to talk to my primary care doctor first.

So this is where I'm at. I'm extremely anxious to get back to life - back to working, back to driving, back to being a functioning member of the human race. As much as I want to skate, and I do; I dream about it - I honestly do not know when I'll be able to. I'm pretty sure I won't be racing this year, but I'm holding out for next year. I just have to keep being patient...