The Bipolar Hitchhiker

A lot of people tell me that they admire the fact that I am completely open and forthcoming when it comes to the fact that I have a mental illness. I've had negative reactions as well - but tend to not focus on those because when it comes right down to it - I couldn't really give a fuck what people think of me anyway. I am who I am, I am WHAT I am - and part of it is due to the bipolar. I am an unmedicated bipolar 2, which means I lean more towards the depressive cycles with some cycles of hypomania. Hypomania is a 'gentler' ride than full blown mania. For the most part my hypomanic episodes are like frenzied bursts of energy and creativity, and I usually enjoy them. The depressive cycles aren't too bad - usually I just feel quiet and mellow, a lower energy level, an increased sensitivity to the world around me; and a desire to be introspective and introverted. I also have a tendency to rapid cycle; which basically means mood swings. Not fun, but usually brief and bearable. It was not always like this for me though.

In the past I have had a couple of episodes of full blown mania where I probably should have been hospitalized - and had I been properly diagnosed I most certainly would have been. As it were, I rode them out completely alone and completely oblivious. My version of full blown mania is not fun - it's a terrifying mix of paranoia, agitation, and insomnia. I'm grateful that I have managed to get my life to a point where I am able to avoid those types of upswings. The deep, dark depressive cycles have been a much more frequent part of my past, weeks spent sleeping my life away, not eating, not showering; not caring about anything except escaping from my pain. This too - is no longer a part of my cycles. Thankfully... 

I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in July 2000 and immediately put on Lithium and Zyprexa. I had complete trust and faith that my doctor knew what he was doing, and that he was going to fix me. I was completely shattered at that point - just two years prior I had endured the devastating losses of my brother and my mom. In hindsight, I honestly believe I would have benefited from just TALKING to someone. But as I was quick to learn, psychiatrists LOVE throwing the latest and greatest drugs at desperate people. Within a month I had gained 50 lbs, I had a constant tremor in my hands, I had hallucinations, panic attacks, and nightmares. I had choking fits that started for no reason and lasted until I almost passed out from lack of air. I had hair loss and uncontrollable muscle contractions. In August 2000, I had a full blown meltdown. I was completely unable to drive, work, or even THINK. I knew it was the medications so I begged my doctor to take me off of them and put me on something else. I had been reading about a drug called Lamictal and thought it would work better for me. My doctor accused me of being 'paranoid' and told me to stop researching the medications and just take them. That, my friends, is red flag #1. YOU are the first and foremost advocate for your own health and well being. NEVER just take a drug without doing some research first. 

I struggled for years after that. Going from doctor to doctor, one drug cocktail after another; sacrificing my identity and my humanity to achieve society's version of 'normal'. Instead, I became a dried out husk; a sun-bleached bone with no blood or marrow to nourish my soul. I felt no joy, no sorrow, no happiness; nothing. The list of physical side effects I experienced is endless - to this DAY I still experience some of them (panic attacks and involuntary muscle contractions for example.) In 2006, I decided I'd have enough. I weaned myself off of all medications and embraced the bipolar. I figured if I could not slay the dragon without sacrificing my identity, then maybe I could at least find some way to co-exist with it.

The key to co-existence is stability. As long as my life remains relatively routine and predictable; then so do my cycles. One monkey wrench in the works and I could completely lose my balance. Because I'm not completely stifled by drugs I still cycle -albeit a lot more gently. But the trade-off is that I am completely and fully alive, and in tune with my surroundings. When on an upswing, I experience life at a deeper level. Everything is more vivid; colors, music, foods. I feel like I am submerged in it - not merely existing along side it. I feel a sense of euphoria that 'normal' people take street drugs to experience. When on a downswing I feel quiet. A soft blanket of melancholy envelopes me and keeps me earth bound. I get introspective, and I feel more empathetic and connected to the quiet things. The gentle things. I don't mind it, I just don't like how low my energy level gets. This is when it is hardest for me to maintain any level of physical activity. But I'll take that over being an unfeeling zombie any day.

I have a lot of friends who are Bipolar. We tend to gravitate towards each other. I totally get that many of them do much better on the medications and that is wonderful. The drugs made things so much worse for me though. People with mental illnesses should always explore ALL of their options before settling on one. Vitamin deficiencies, poor nutrition, stress, lack of exercise - these things can exacerbate or even CAUSE symptoms of depression or mania. Pay attention to your body. Sometimes just a minor correction to a hormone or a vitamin can help tremendously! (I found that I leveled out even MORE once I was also correctly diagnosed with hypothyroid and put on Armour thyroid. My hysterectomy also helped.) Like it or not, this little hitchhiker is along for the entire ride that is my life. It makes aspects of  my life a little more challenging sure, but it also makes other aspects a lot richer. I embrace and accept who I am - finally.