Venty blog with a triple shot of waaah.

I had a bad skate yesterday. I feel like whining. If you do not wish to 'hear' me whine, I suggest you stop reading right now.

I took 2 weeks off from working out - the week before Apostle and the week after. I did nothing. I am not sure why; I just didn't feel like doing anything. Yesterday was day one back on the horse: I put a fresh set of Street Fight wheels on my skates and headed out early to knock out a few miles. My plan was to play it by ear, skate distance based on how I felt. (We reached 104 degrees yesterday, so it was already pretty hot by the time I hit the trail...)

At first I took it easy because I didn't feel right. My legs were shaky and I felt weak. I focused on keeping a mellow, steady pace and tried to push through it. (My guess was that I didn't eat a sufficient breakfast...) I was skating with a water bottle full of coconut water (thanks to my friend Pat for that idea) and a small bottle of Gatorade. I also had a GU packet. On hot days I tend to go through my fluids pretty quickly, so I also use fluid levels as a gauge of when to turn around...

I passed a few bikes, had a pair of bikes behind me for a couple of miles and when they finally caught up to me the first guy informed me of my mph (18) and the second guy said he'd never seen anyone skate that fast... That was a total ego boost, I love it when cyclists say things like that. Personally I felt like I was slugging along slow as molasses so that was nice to hear. At this point I'm noticing a slight tingling in my feet but nothing that would indicate an issue. My legs in general don't feel 100% but I attributed this to a week of being a couch potato.

I turned around at about 12.5 miles. It was starting to get really hot, my fluids were getting low, and my heart wasn't in it. My body felt off. I started trekking back. At about mile 9 - my right foot decided it was not happy. I felt pressure on the 3rd and 4th toes and the ball of my foot started tingling like it was being attacked by a pissed off hoard of bees on a stinging spree. It sucked the breath right out of me. I debated stopping and taking the boot off, but I just wanted to get back to my truck. I just wanted to be DONE.

I tried all of the usual stuff - pushing my heels back, no toe flicking, and my form stayed pretty solid. I can tell when my form goes to hell because I tear up the backs of my heels. My heels felt fine. My form wasn't the issue. I counted down the miles... 4 more to go.... 3 more to go... With just over 2 miles left, I fell in behind a cyclist who was going kind of slow and stayed behind him. It was a good distraction and he didn't seem to mind. When we reached the round-about he turned off then looked back to see which was I was going. I was continuing on with just over one mile left. He gave me a wave, I waved back and continued on. One. More. Mile.

The last portion of my trail is really pretty. There are two lakes and the trail runs right between them. I usually enjoy the view, watch the birds, look at the mountains, and use that portion as my cool down. Not today. I just wanted it to be over. I came around the corner and all of a sudden it was gusty winds in my face. I couldn't help myself, I yelled 'really??' - at no one in particular... At this point my foot is on fire. My stomach is clenched with it and tears are pouring down my face. Stubbornly I push on, because I can SEE my truck. I'm ALMOST there. I want to throw up. I want to take my skates off and walk the rest of the way. I want it to be over.

I limped to my truck. I carefully removed my skates. My feet are swollen and painful - but my heels are perfect. No blisters, no hot spots. My form was fine. I ice my right foot and chug my recovery drink. I don't feel euphoric. I feel tired. Dejected. Disappointed. I hate my skates. I hate skating. I hate myself for feeling that way. I have a knot in the bottom of my right foot and it's tingling like crazy. Thankfully my left foot wasn't as bad. I head home...

My mind is racing with negativity. I review my past two races this year and realize that I'm not skating any faster than I did last year - in fact, I'm skating SLOWER! My mph average at the Minnesota half marathon (my first event) was 16.6 mph. At Northshore I averaged 17.2!! Both events skated on my K2's... This year skating on the Bonts: in Texas I averaged 16.5 mph and at Apostle I was at 16.1 mph.... That doesn't seem right. Is it me? Is it the skates?? What am I doing wrong?

I have a mantra imprinted in my brain that I have been trying to ignore and let go of. It goes 'some people are never meant to be any better than they are' - meaning that you hit a certain level and that's it: that's as far as you go. You don't break that barrier, you don't move forward. You have reached your potential, and even if it's not what you want and you think you should be better - that's it. That's as far as you go. I've been an underachiever my entire life; this mantra is ingrained. I hate it. I cannot figure out how to progress.

I sulked the rest of the day yesterday, but today is a new day. I'm going to throw my Bonts in the oven and do a full heat mold WITH socks on. I'm going to get out and skate tomorrow. I'm going to continue forward - no matter how reluctant I feel. I think I will take my friend Tom's advice and break out the K2's again for a change of pace. I'll skate Napa Valley on the Bonts but I think I need to put an expectation on myself. I need to have something to shoot for besides simply skating without pain....