The Autumn Blues

For some reason, for as far back as I can remember; the season change of summer into fall really messes with me. I feel it starting to happen around the middle of September, it's like summer is slipping away and she's taking a part of me with her.

All summer long, I feel so alive - fueled by the sun, the warm nights, the endless days. I can't get enough of it, I don't even want to sleep for fear I might miss something. It's as if I am plugged into the very essence of the season and glowing with the energy I'm siphoning in. When summer begins to wane and my energy starts to flag, my heart sinks. The little boxes in my head start opening up and make it impossible for me to live in the now - flooding my head with memories and melancholy. I start to feel weighed down and boneless, like my soul has the flu. Every year I hope will be THE year that I break the cycle. I was pretty confident that this year would be that year. I mean, with the sheer force of momentum I was riding, how could I possibly slow down?

I haven't skated since A2A - although the weather has been beautiful. My heart isn't in it. All I want to do is eat sweets and sleep. I don't want to go to school, in fact - I'm having doubts in my ability to do it. I have to admit - I'm having a really hard time writing this. I don't like to admit that I'm weak or vulnerable.... I like it better when I feel invincible. I just know that I'm not alone, and I do take comfort in the fact that my depressive stages are nowhere near as bad as they used to be.

I think of it this way - it's like that part of a long road trip when you're between points of interest and there is nothing but road and barren landscape. You just have to ride it out to get back to civilization. I will ride this out, and I'll get back on track - usually by the end of November. This stretch of road just sucks. A lot.