AIDS Walk Colorado - My Story

Tomorrow is the 25th annual AIDS Walk/5k Run, and it will be my 14th AIDS Walk - and the first one I'm actually running. Most people know my story and why I participate in the walk every year, but I felt like sharing it with anyone who didn't know - and for anyone who doesn't know the full story.

In March of 1998, my little brother Mike checked himself into the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. He'd been sick for a couple of months with bronchitis. The doctors diagnosed him with pneumonia, but they had their suspicions about the type of pneumonia. They wanted to test Mike for HIV, but he kept refusing. In the meantime, they were treating him for regular pneumonia. My mom begged Mike to take the test and finally, he relented. It came back positive. The type of pneumonia that Mike had was Pneumocystis pneumonia - or PCP - very common in patients with AIDS. Now the doctors could begin treating him correctly.

I will never forget the first thing Mike said when the diagnosis was shared with us, he asked us if we still loved him. This would be my first example of the stigma attached to the AIDS virus. Of course we still loved him - why would we not? My family rallied around Mike and for six excruciating weeks, we watched the disease ravage his body until he weighed a frail 78 lbs. He had to be put on a ventilator because he could no longer breathe on his own. His beautiful blue eyes, however - remained lively and bright; sparkling with mischief as he flirted with the nurses or joked with us. He was still Mike - a very bright light and one of my dearest friends. I could not even fathom my world without him.

I learned very quickly about how people react to people with AIDS. One nurse refused to touch him unless she was wearing gloves, her face showing how distasteful she found it. I recall confronting her in the hallway, my voice shaking with fury and my eyes bright with tears: that is my BROTHER in there, dammit. Treat him like a HUMAN BEING or don't treat him at all. I never wavered in my love. I never saw my brother as anything other than someone fighting a life threatening illness. I never expected anyone else to see him any differently than that.

On April 14th, 1998, his lung collapsed. It was the third or fourth time it had happened - he already had several chest tubes in from prior incidences. The doctors gently took us aside and suggested that we not put another chest tube in. That we not cause him any more pain. That we accept the inevitable and let him go. As a family, we made the choice to forgo further treatment. They made him comfortable and with all of us surrounding him; my brother passed away. He was 24 years old.

I did my first AIDS Walk that year with my sister and my nieces. I think I raised $125.00. I vowed to do it every year for as long as necessary. I have done it every single year since then - even in 2000 when I was so sick I could barely walk - I walked. Over the years I have learned about families abandoning their loved ones upon learning they had AIDS. I heard of people dying alone in hospitals - without the comfort of family love surrounding them. I had people tell me that they would not donate because it was a 'gay disease'. I had one guy tell me that people with AIDS deserved it.

I wish he could have met my brother, maybe spent an hour or so with him. I'm pretty sure that would have made him think differently. My brother was a trip. He was funny, and vivacious, and brave. He was strong, and loyal, and loving. I do not know how he got AIDS and I honestly don't care; but I do know that he definitely didn't deserve it.

So when I do the AIDS Walk, I don't just do it for him - I do it for every other family out there who has been where mine has been. I do it for the people who are newly diagnosed and struggling to comprehend how different their lives are going to be. I do it for the meal services that provide meals to patients who cannot provide for themselves. I do it to cover medication costs for patients who cannot pay for their medication. I do it for the families who participate in the walk with t-shirts and signs with photos of people they've loved and lost. I do it because I hope that one day I won't have to. AIDS doesn't discriminate - it can happen to anyone. And if I can help prevent even just one family from going through the heartbreak that mine has, then that is a major victory.

This is my brother Mike. He was an awesome human being; and he died from AIDS. I miss him every single day. Tomorrow I will run my very first 5K for him. To keep his memory alive. I love you bro-bean.

Northshore Bound and other cool news!

Skating Northshore - 2011

Well, true to form, things are looking up again! I knew I just had to ride out the crappy stuff to get back to the good stuff. On the health front, things are much better, I have no major concerns so I can stop being so focused on it. I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders just by hearing the doctor say 'all good - don't need to see you again for a year...' After my appointment I decided to play hooky and went skating! I'm feeling like I've lost a bit of conditioning but I don't think it'll take that long to build it back up again. I skated 20 miles on Tuesday, my feet felt great until I started getting tired. I was very aware of the correlation between feeling tired/form going to crap/feet starting to hurt. Noted. I have the pinching, binding, and painful areas of the boots finally adjusted, I've got the frames adjusted - now I just need to maintain good form all the way through and my feet should be fine! Yesterday I skated 15.6 miles and felt really strong. It was so nice to finish a skate feeling happy and exhilarated again! I've missed that. It makes me want to get out again...

Another huge incentive for my improved mood is a sponsorship by Ezeefit! Ezeefit makes the booties that SAVED my feet last year and continue to do so this year. I am proud and honored to skate for a company that makes a product I truly believe in!! I'm excited to get a set of the palm slider gloves too - a must have for sure!! They also have jerseys, shorts, leg/arm warmers and rain boot covers - you just never know when you'll need them... We are an off-shoot of the original team, as most of us are new to the sport. I'm very excited to skate for a team, the team is comprised of Billy (who I met after Northshore last year) Brian (who I skated with at Napa) and Ami (who I will be meeting in Duluth!!) We are all pretty stoked about this!! It has completely reinvigorated me. I am very appreciative of Glenn for seeing something in me that made him feel that I deserved this. ( still feel like a baby fawn trying to hobble across a frozen lake most days when I skate!)

The Northshore inline marathon is about 1 1/2 months away and I'm so excited to do that one again! Such a fun race!! I'm back in training mode, I think I will set my goal for 1:30 - I still do not feel 100% confident on the Bonts and it makes me a bit cautious. If I am completely comfortable by September maybe I'll change that number but for now, I feel that I can come close to it. I cannot wait to see all of my skate friends again!!!

..... As I skated along my trail last night, enjoying the warm summer evening and feeling completely at peace; my mind went back to the way I felt at my very first skating event last year - the Minnesota half marathon. The way my heart just lifted at the sight of so many other skaters - after skating solo for so long and feeling like an endangered species. The connection I felt with total strangers as we lined up, the camaraderie and support received while skating; the joy and feeling of accomplishment upon crossing the finish line. I will admit, I am one of those people who craves a sense of belonging; I love being a part of something big - something special. Feeling like I am a part of this amazing skate community is really important to me. I make more and more friends after each event, and I love that! I love watching my friends grow and excel at the sport, I feel pride and excitement at their successes; I feel honored to be a part of their journey. I am not alone with my passion anymore, and it has truly changed my life.



Trying to Get Back on Track

First of all, Napa Valley was awesome! I skated hard and didn't hold back - I left it all out on that crazy, hilly course. When I was done, my legs were shaking so bad I had to just sort of stand still for a minute so I didn't lose my balance! That was MUCH better than the way I felt when I finished Apostle (like I still had a few miles left in me!) At first I was a bit disappointed in my time (1:40:51) because that seemed really slow. I skated Texas in 1:40:42, and that was 28 miles! I am guessing the slower time was because Napa was a very hilly course and some of those uphills were pretty brutal. When I was skating the course I guess I wasn't really aware of that - I was focused on maintaining a brisk pace and hoping I wouldn't end up skating alone.

Leading a pace line!!!

I started out in one pace line, then moved to a faster one - we started pretty strong but then ended up w/ just four of us. After the first full lap two of them dropped the line since they were skating the half. That left me and my friend Rich. We finished together, it definitely helped to take turns pulling even with just two of us. Also helped with the motivation. I was pretty excited to finish first in my age group!

Me and Rich

Sprinting towards the finish line!

Podium!!

The really great news is that I didn't have many foot issues! No foot-ball pain, no knee pain; no raw, torn up heels. I was SO HAPPY. (The only issue I had - and STILL have - is the pressure spot on my left inner ankle.) We had done a full heat mold the night before we left for CA - building out my problem areas w/ some gauze and tape. That seemed to help a lot as far as the toe box goes. I cannot figure out how to correct the pressure point on my ankle though.

For all intents and purposes, it looks like I'm having a really great season. I've placed in all 3 races I've done this year; 2nd twice and 1st at Napa. I have one more race (Northshore in September) then I'm done with races for this year. But instead of being completely jazzed by my successes and totally focused on training for Duluth; I'm having some issues that are distracting me. I have acid reflux REALLY BAD. It's not triggered by the foods I eat (I eat relatively clean) - I have a hiatal hernia along w/ a few other nasty issues. I also had an abnormal mammogram - not sure if what they found is cause for alarm but I am doing a follow up ultrasound on Tuesday with a possible biopsy of a lymph node in my armpit. I'll know more then if I need to be concerned about that issue. In the meantime, these two health issues along with extreme job stress have really affected my overall outlook and mood; the reflux makes me feel sick - not to mention it kills my appetite - so I don't eat enough to support my workouts. I feel very lethargic so then I don't workout; which in turn makes me feel even more frustrated and depressed. I have a follow up for that next month, I am worried about what my options will be.

I try so hard to take care of myself (through diet, exercise, etc) but some things are just out of my hands. Blame it on faulty genes but I guess I can't fix everything through clean eating, working out, and staying positive. I'm trying to remain upbeat but I just feel so tired. I feel like I've lost my passion, and it's all I can do just to get through each day. I still have a few things going on as far as the skating itself goes; but I'm tired of complaining about my foot issues, and still trying to figure out the fear issue. I can't tell if the fear stems from a fear of crashing, or not being able to stop quickly - or a combination of those two things. Either way, I am a very fearful skater right now. Could just be the lack of energy but who knows. I just hope I finish out this season with a strong race and hopefully some resolution. I just want to be strong and healthy. I just want to be passionate and upbeat. I just want to participate in my life to the absolute fullest - without constantly being derailed. I guess it's about the journey and not the destination - and this is just part of my journey. I sincerely hope my next entry is much,  much more positive!

Napa Valley bound!

After majorly falling off the workout wagon - I didn't work out the week prior to Apostle, the week after Apostle; or last week - (I did one painful 25 mile skate, a 6 mile bike ride, a few short walks and that's about it) - I think I'm getting back on track. I guess I hit some sort of plateau or something; or I just got burned out - with a little post-race letdown thrown in there for good measure. The key is to get BACK on the wagon and not get too used to being a lazy bum... That is where I am at right now.

I skated yesterday, for the first time since my disastrous outing last weekend. I did a full heat mold on my skates Friday night and that seemed to help a bit. I am thinking I'll do one more full mold and try to press the two pressure points on the ankles out some. I skated just over 27 miles without any major pain in the toe box area; I just had some issues w/ my left inner ankle and just a touch on the right outer ankle. I will do one more heat mold tonight focusing on those areas and then [hopefully] skate 2 more outings before Napa. The weather here has NOT been skate-friendly; it's either blazing triple-digit hot; or violent thunder storms.... I should at least get in a 10-15 mile skate on Wednesday morning, since it's the 4th of July and I'll be off work.

So if you've been following my blog for any length of time, you've probably figured out that I tend to share - a LOT. Blogging is therapeutic for me, and I also hope that following my journey might help any other skaters with theirs. If you hit a wall, or experience a set-back - you're not alone. I thought I was alone with my custom boot issues but I've discovered that I'm not. It's a bit disheartening, the whole reason I sprung for customs was so that I WOULDN'T have to tweak then nine ways from Sunday to get them to fit. I don't understand why I have to. It's frustrating as hell but I am determined to figure out a way for my boots and I to skate in harmony. I refuse to give up.

The Napa Valley inline marathon is exactly one week from today; and I have set a time goal just to keep me from dogging it. Don't get me wrong, dogging it was kind of a nice change of pace in Apostle; but I do need to push myself. My time goal is 1:35 - hopefully that is realistic without having any idea what the course is like. Having that number in the back of my mind should help keep me from getting too lazy along the way. I'm really looking forward to the weekend, we have a lot of really fun things planned! The race will only be part of the whole package. I'm really excited!

It's so funny, the only time I ever traveled prior to participating in the inline marathons was to visit family. We never really went anywhere. I love that I get to see new places and make new friends. That is as much fun to me as the skating! I will be skating with a whole new group of skaters in California and I cannot wait to meet them. I know that this event is smaller, and there is a good chance I'll be doing a lot of the race solo. I think I would rather do that than get in a slow paceline. Just my feeling. I know that many of my skater friends would disagree. But by tagging along in a slow paceline in Apostle, I dogged it. Big time. *shrug*. Every race is a learning experience. I just don't want to repeat the mistakes I made in Texas or at Apostle. Learn and grow... But first things first - get these damn boots to stop hurting me!

Venty blog with a triple shot of waaah.

I had a bad skate yesterday. I feel like whining. If you do not wish to 'hear' me whine, I suggest you stop reading right now.

I took 2 weeks off from working out - the week before Apostle and the week after. I did nothing. I am not sure why; I just didn't feel like doing anything. Yesterday was day one back on the horse: I put a fresh set of Street Fight wheels on my skates and headed out early to knock out a few miles. My plan was to play it by ear, skate distance based on how I felt. (We reached 104 degrees yesterday, so it was already pretty hot by the time I hit the trail...)

At first I took it easy because I didn't feel right. My legs were shaky and I felt weak. I focused on keeping a mellow, steady pace and tried to push through it. (My guess was that I didn't eat a sufficient breakfast...) I was skating with a water bottle full of coconut water (thanks to my friend Pat for that idea) and a small bottle of Gatorade. I also had a GU packet. On hot days I tend to go through my fluids pretty quickly, so I also use fluid levels as a gauge of when to turn around...

I passed a few bikes, had a pair of bikes behind me for a couple of miles and when they finally caught up to me the first guy informed me of my mph (18) and the second guy said he'd never seen anyone skate that fast... That was a total ego boost, I love it when cyclists say things like that. Personally I felt like I was slugging along slow as molasses so that was nice to hear. At this point I'm noticing a slight tingling in my feet but nothing that would indicate an issue. My legs in general don't feel 100% but I attributed this to a week of being a couch potato.

I turned around at about 12.5 miles. It was starting to get really hot, my fluids were getting low, and my heart wasn't in it. My body felt off. I started trekking back. At about mile 9 - my right foot decided it was not happy. I felt pressure on the 3rd and 4th toes and the ball of my foot started tingling like it was being attacked by a pissed off hoard of bees on a stinging spree. It sucked the breath right out of me. I debated stopping and taking the boot off, but I just wanted to get back to my truck. I just wanted to be DONE.

I tried all of the usual stuff - pushing my heels back, no toe flicking, and my form stayed pretty solid. I can tell when my form goes to hell because I tear up the backs of my heels. My heels felt fine. My form wasn't the issue. I counted down the miles... 4 more to go.... 3 more to go... With just over 2 miles left, I fell in behind a cyclist who was going kind of slow and stayed behind him. It was a good distraction and he didn't seem to mind. When we reached the round-about he turned off then looked back to see which was I was going. I was continuing on with just over one mile left. He gave me a wave, I waved back and continued on. One. More. Mile.

The last portion of my trail is really pretty. There are two lakes and the trail runs right between them. I usually enjoy the view, watch the birds, look at the mountains, and use that portion as my cool down. Not today. I just wanted it to be over. I came around the corner and all of a sudden it was gusty winds in my face. I couldn't help myself, I yelled 'really??' - at no one in particular... At this point my foot is on fire. My stomach is clenched with it and tears are pouring down my face. Stubbornly I push on, because I can SEE my truck. I'm ALMOST there. I want to throw up. I want to take my skates off and walk the rest of the way. I want it to be over.

I limped to my truck. I carefully removed my skates. My feet are swollen and painful - but my heels are perfect. No blisters, no hot spots. My form was fine. I ice my right foot and chug my recovery drink. I don't feel euphoric. I feel tired. Dejected. Disappointed. I hate my skates. I hate skating. I hate myself for feeling that way. I have a knot in the bottom of my right foot and it's tingling like crazy. Thankfully my left foot wasn't as bad. I head home...

My mind is racing with negativity. I review my past two races this year and realize that I'm not skating any faster than I did last year - in fact, I'm skating SLOWER! My mph average at the Minnesota half marathon (my first event) was 16.6 mph. At Northshore I averaged 17.2!! Both events skated on my K2's... This year skating on the Bonts: in Texas I averaged 16.5 mph and at Apostle I was at 16.1 mph.... That doesn't seem right. Is it me? Is it the skates?? What am I doing wrong?

I have a mantra imprinted in my brain that I have been trying to ignore and let go of. It goes 'some people are never meant to be any better than they are' - meaning that you hit a certain level and that's it: that's as far as you go. You don't break that barrier, you don't move forward. You have reached your potential, and even if it's not what you want and you think you should be better - that's it. That's as far as you go. I've been an underachiever my entire life; this mantra is ingrained. I hate it. I cannot figure out how to progress.

I sulked the rest of the day yesterday, but today is a new day. I'm going to throw my Bonts in the oven and do a full heat mold WITH socks on. I'm going to get out and skate tomorrow. I'm going to continue forward - no matter how reluctant I feel. I think I will take my friend Tom's advice and break out the K2's again for a change of pace. I'll skate Napa Valley on the Bonts but I think I need to put an expectation on myself. I need to have something to shoot for besides simply skating without pain....

Apostle Islands Inline Marathon - recap!

Lining up at Apostle

Wow, what a great weekend!!! I flew into Minneapolis on Thursday night; spent the night with my friend Susan, and started the journey to Bayfield, WI on Friday morning. We drove up through WI and it was a very enjoyable drive! We stopped in Ashland to pick up my packet and arrived in Bayfield around 4:30. We met up with some of my skater friends for dinner then headed down to the dock for some sunset photos. Got to bed around 10:30.

I didn't sleep very well but when the alarm went off I was up and at it! Got to the ferry dock by 6:30 and headed over to Madeline Island. The day could not have dawned any better - it was clear, and comfortable and sunny! I would get to skate the course on the Mayhems!

I didn't do anything I told myself I would do when I got there... I didn't put my headphones on. I didn't focus. I didn't take a jog - I dinked around and chatted with other skaters, stretched a little, put on my skates and got a quick little warm up. But since I had absolutely NO goals for this race, I felt completely relaxed. I had the pre-race butterflies but none of the anxiety I had in Texas. My plan was to take it easy, especially on the first lap around the course. Get warmed up, get a feel for it, and see how my feet/legs were going to hold out.

They lined the open fitness/rec women up separate from the men; I ended up next to a gal named Connie (she's on the left in the photo at the very top.) She was super friendly. She asked me what my average is, I told her around 16 so she said to try to stick with her. When we started off, I quickly fell in behind her and eventually a pace line formed. I think my first mistake was letting people in front of me so suddenly I was at the back of the pack. The guy in front of me had his feet all over the place so I gave him some extra space.

We were cruising along at a comfortable pace, I felt good and was enjoying myself. This course has a few hard right hand turns; two particularly nasty ones. When we came up on the first one, the entire line fell apart. It was like every man/woman for themselves ALL OVER THE PLACE and they all started braking! I PANICKED. I thought the line was supposed to go through the turn as a LINE - get low and ride it through. I somehow managed to round the corner without taking anyone out, and the line re-formed. I was pretty shaken up! Then we came up to the SECOND hard right - SAME DAMN THING, only this time I almost crashed into the guy in front of me. I was thinking WTF are you people doing??? I was really shaken up after that, had an adrenaline rush so strong my legs were trembling!! I dropped back and out of that line and pretty soon another one came along so I tagged up with them.

I rounded the first lap and glanced at the time: 35 minutes. Continued w/ the paceline I was in. They were chatty and casual, and I just hung in the back (I need to stop doing that...) Anyway, we started coming up to that first turn again and I felt myself clench up and drop back. They went through it more uniformly and I relaxed. Same with the second turn. I finished out the second lap still tagging at the back of the line. Clock read an hour and nine minutes. Hmmm.

About halfway around the third and final lap, I decided the pack was too slow. I had plenty of juice and wanted to finish strong. So I kicked out and took off on my own. I was having NO foot pain, or joint/ligament/tendon pain; my muscles felt good so I figured I could at least finish strong. I rounded the corner and crossed the finish line. I have a couple of blurry photos of myself but I'm very happy to see that I'm down pretty low - so I'm finally starting to get that down at least!

Coming around on my first lap.



 Sprinting towards the finish line.

My official time was 1:37:25.0, I placed 2/8 in my age division, 5/59 overall women and 153/317 overall skaters. I was actually very surprised and very pleased with my placement; especially considering that I didn't feel as if I pushed myself as hard as I could have! I had a wonderful time meeting new skaters and spending time w/ my friends.

I made a lot of mistakes in Texas, and that race actually made me re-evaluate a lot of things in the weeks that followed. I know that skating Texas at the pro master's level made me put a lot of pressure and expectation upon myself. I did not like how I felt prior to that race, nor how I felt when it was over. I started too hard too fast and ended up straining my MCL, which in turn made my form go to crap - which caused me to tear up my ankles and feel frustration. I don't care about how I placed at that race, I didn't FEEL like I skated a good race. I didn't have as much fun as I usually do. I forgot that skating is supposed to be fun. I had fun at Apostle. I had no pressure, no expectations and no disappointment. The main mistake I made at Apostle was how I skated in the pace lines. Of course, I wasn't the only one making mistakes there otherwise our line would've taken those right hand turns as a fluid line instead of a free for all of flailing arms and legs and brakes!! I do need to work on being comfortable skating with other skaters, it's just so hard to do as skater who trains solo....

I did get a chance to meet a few of the skaters from the Speed Weasles in Ft. Collins - what a friendly bunch of skaters. Maybe I'll make the trek up north so I can skate with them!!!

All and all, Apostle was a fantastic experience. I had a blast! Next up - Napa Valley on July 8th!!!

The dock in Bayfield 6/14/12. Stunning.

Countdown to Apostle

The countdown has begun for my weekend in Wisconsin! (35 more days!) I'm looking forward to so much more than just the marathon (which will definitely be the highlight) - I LOVE visiting new places and I can't wait to see all of my skate buddies! I will be flying into Minneapolis on June 14th, then driving up to Bayfield with my friend Susan Friday morning. We got a hotel there and I was assured that we have a patio with a view of the lake and the flower garden. That sounds heavenly...We'll be staying there Friday and Saturday nights, then we'll head straight to the airport on Sunday morning. I'm really looking forward to spending time with Susan and doing some sight-seeing, as well as skating the marathon. This area seems like it's very beautiful so this should be an overall fabulous mini vacation!

As far as the actual marathon goes; my goal is pretty simple. I'd actually like to be able to skate this one without any pain... I have no time goal (because if it rains, time goals are out the window anyway...) I just want to enjoy skating this historically smooth course without any pain... I got some ideas on ways to warm-up prior to skating the distance that should help with the muscle pain I experienced in Texas - but the foot pain is a whole other issue...

Ah yes. The foot pain. Skating with pain has become the norm and I am very displeased. I have pain in the balls of my feet, across the tops of my toes; the inner left ankle bone and the outer right ankle bone. (The ankle area is not a hot spot or blistered; I actually have bone bruises and swelling; but the skin is fine.) I tweaked the position of the frames and that helped alleviate the ankle bone pain a bit, but it seems like every time we spot mold a problem area, it creates a new one. Kind of like if we stretch the toe area up; it pulls the sides in. So I get relief from the boot pressing down on my toes; but then it's pinching them from the sides or pressing against the tips of my toes. It's like I can't win. I thought I had them to the point of being able to wear a hyper thin sock with the ultra thin booties; I skated just over 25 miles last weekend and the last 7 miles were pure agony. The balls of my feet felt like they were on fire, it was so intense it made me nauseous! I had to stop and take the socks off, stretch my feet - then finish up the last 4 miles. By the time I got back to my truck I was exhausted, angry and ready to chuck my skates into the bushes. It's like the last 7 miles of hell COMPLETELY negated the first 18 miles that I actually enjoyed! I knew there would be an adjustment period but I didn't expect it to be like THIS.

So I'm back to the regular booties, no socks. I skated 19.5 miles on Thursday and it was a little bit better, but I still  had pain and blisters on my toes. Debbie suggested I mark the problem areas with tape and ship my boots to her so she can stretch them; I plan on doing that today. If I can't get back actually ENJOYING skating again, then what's the point? If I dread it because I know it's going to hurt, then that completely takes away the joy. And I don't want that - that's the whole reason why I skate in the first place. I always start out feeling great, skating smooth and fast, having fun - then the pain starts and I end my outings feeling drained and frustrated. I'm so over it.

Aside from that, I've been working out really, really hard. Weight training and cardio - working on getting fit. I'm taking a very gentle recovery week next week; my legs have been a bit sore and not just from the skating. My intention is no impact, no weights. Just 7 days of  yoga, swimming, and core work. No running, no skating, no weight training. My hope is that this will give my legs a break, give Debbie time to fix my boots, and refresh and revitalize my mind so I can go into the following week stoked and ready to get back to the hard-core training. My main time goal is for Northshore anyway, so Apostle and Napa are more for the fun of it. And I really, really want it to be fun again. Please keep your fingers crossed, this portion of my journey has been a bit rough!!!