The Autumn Blues

For some reason, for as far back as I can remember; the season change of summer into fall really messes with me. I feel it starting to happen around the middle of September, it's like summer is slipping away and she's taking a part of me with her.

All summer long, I feel so alive - fueled by the sun, the warm nights, the endless days. I can't get enough of it, I don't even want to sleep for fear I might miss something. It's as if I am plugged into the very essence of the season and glowing with the energy I'm siphoning in. When summer begins to wane and my energy starts to flag, my heart sinks. The little boxes in my head start opening up and make it impossible for me to live in the now - flooding my head with memories and melancholy. I start to feel weighed down and boneless, like my soul has the flu. Every year I hope will be THE year that I break the cycle. I was pretty confident that this year would be that year. I mean, with the sheer force of momentum I was riding, how could I possibly slow down?

I haven't skated since A2A - although the weather has been beautiful. My heart isn't in it. All I want to do is eat sweets and sleep. I don't want to go to school, in fact - I'm having doubts in my ability to do it. I have to admit - I'm having a really hard time writing this. I don't like to admit that I'm weak or vulnerable.... I like it better when I feel invincible. I just know that I'm not alone, and I do take comfort in the fact that my depressive stages are nowhere near as bad as they used to be.

I think of it this way - it's like that part of a long road trip when you're between points of interest and there is nothing but road and barren landscape. You just have to ride it out to get back to civilization. I will ride this out, and I'll get back on track - usually by the end of November. This stretch of road just sucks. A lot.

Athens to Atlanta recap

There is this bike trail that runs along E470 just south of where I work - I skated it once and experienced gusty winds, extreme hills, and having to stop to cross the street at every intersection. I hated it. I never skated it again. I should have, however, because it would have been PERFECT training for the course in Athens....

We flew into Atlanta Saturday morning, got our rental car - then made the 2.5 hour drive up to Athens. I actually thought Athens was a pretty cool town; it kind of reminded me of Boulder; a laid back college town. We got settled into the hotel and went to pick up my packet. I chatted with Lenny for a bit about skate boots, got my feet measured, then we went to kill some time before the skater's meeting at 6. We strolled around, grabbed some dinner; and enjoyed the mild, sunny weather...

I'll admit, I've been feeling a little nervous about this event - fear of the unknown and all of that. In the skater's meeting, Henry gave us an idea of what to expect and my anxiety intensified. I am a trail skater, I skate along a relatively safe bike path that goes under all major streets. The main issues I encounter are rude cyclists, dogs, joggers with headphones, twigs, and the occasional stray goose. The only time I have to cross any intersections is if I go on the 27+ mile skate - and that's temporary; they should have that portion of the trail complete by next summer. My trail is also a bit hilly - but I never feel like I have to duck walk up any of the hills or that I fly down them completely out of control. I can sprint them and I never get much speed on the downside. As I'm listening to what to expect from the course (Cars filled with impatient people on their way to church? Gatorback road? a hill with a sharp 90 degree turn AND gravel at the bottom? Reaching up to 30-40 mph on the downhills? Rail road tracks if I happen to miss a turn??) My stomach tighened and I felt real fear. I had a moment of thinking what the HELL have I gotten myself into??? A couple of people told me that it sounds a lot scarier than it is, and if I skate safe and stay vigilant I would do just fine.

I got to sleep and actually slept pretty soundly. I had the usual dream that I over slept and missed the event - only instead of anxiety I felt relief... The alarm sounded and I got up. Checked the temp outside and it was surprisingly warm. I opted for shorts/short sleeves, got my gear all ready and we headed to the classic center. As usual, I felt a rush of excitement when I saw all of the other skaters getting ready, warming up, talking and interacting. I love this world = I want so badly to be a part of it. I got my skates on and started skating around. In spite of the excitement, my stomach was in a knot and I was also very terrifed... We moved towards the starting line and lined up.

Me getting ready to line up, giving hubby the thumbs up...

I have to say, I really wasn't feeling it. I was tired and scared. On days like this back home, I usually either do a very short skate or skip it all together. I had absolutely NO intentions of doing either. I was hoping that once I started skating, I would relax, find my pace, and get into the zone. My husband gave me a quick kiss and a hug, told me good luck; and I was on my own. The horn sounded and we were off.

Of course, it starts with a downhill and a right turn, I saw people braking and felt a tinge of panic and I braked. Most of the pack disappeared from view immediately. I fell in with a group and started skating. I thought for sure I was at the very back of the group... The pace lines were irratic, the pace itself was inconsistent, and people were all over the place. My heart sank when I thought that I might be skating this one solo. I set my own pace and started working forward. Then we started hitting the hills... Holy cow, man... Up the hills at 7-9 mph, down the hills at break neck speeds. I relaxed my mind and tightened my legs on the downhills and just let it happen. I focused on my breathing and foot rhythm on the uphills. At about mile 14 I fell in with a guy named Jeff and started skating with him. We chatted and maintained a decent pace; and the companionship made the miles go by a lot easier.

While the hills were tough, I saw them as a challenge. The thing that primarily freaked me out was the traffic. I had a couple of people honk and yell at me to get out of the road. I also got to play a fun game of 'name that roadkill'. There were also some gusty winds, but I'm used to that. I managed to take in the scenery (when I wasn't focused on going up or flying down) and it was beautiful. We had perfect weather; low 70's and overcast. When we hit that hill with the 90 degree gravel filled turn, Jeff flew right down it - I wasn't feeling so brave. There were cars coming both directions and a huge dirt shoulder at the bottom. I braked and clenched up. I still took it pretty fast and managed to not wipe out in the gravel. I breathed a sigh of relief and felt that the scariest part of the race was now behind me.

That may have been the scariest thing, but it was by no means an easy ride from that point on. After the second check point, there was a right turn, a curvy downhill with tons of traffic, then we had to make a left turn; crossing the traffic. Then THAT street was an epic uphill!! I swear I could hear my feet saying 'are we there yet????'... At some point Jeff and I lost the two other skaters who were behind us, and we kept talking and keeping each other motivated. Those last 6 miles were definitely the worst, my GPS cut out and had to be restarted; his said we were already at 40 miles so we were so sure the finish line HAD to be coming up... Every hill we came up over, we expected to see the finish line. We came down a hill to a light were a police officer was kindly holding traffic at bay, another sharp left with an immediate right. Jeff missed the right turn so I yelled at him to turn around - he did and caught right back up with me. We flew down the hill FINALLY - there it was - the finish line!!

Jeff and I coming up on the finish line

There were cones to guide the 38 milers over the finish line and the 87 milers back to the course. We both skated down the wrong side. I saw my friend Lenora and she hollered "are you going to Atlanta? You're on the wrong side!!" I swerved just in time to cross the actual line. It took me 3 hours, 9 minutes, and 14 seconds.

Me after my triumphant finish!

Me with Lenora!!

It took me a minute to get my bearings, I was super excited to see my friend Lenora (who drove up from Kissimmee, FL to see me cross the finish line!!) and I wanted to hug my husband but I knew I was pretty rank at that point. With no hotel room, I had to do a quick 'wet wipe' clean up and clothing change in the bathroom of a bike shop! After that, I got my hugs!! I also grabbed my mug, (which I will forever cherish) thanked Jeff for skating with me, (I cannot imagine how much harder that would have been had I skated it solo) and we headed into Atlanta. We got to the 87 mile finish line in time to see the first of the 52 mile finishers cross along with a lot of the 87 milers. I have nothing but the utmost respect for those guys and gals; knowing how difficult the 38 mile skate had been for me, I cannot even imagine twice that; or even 3 times that!!! Intense!!

Lenora left and Allen and I toured Coca Cola world prior to the awards ceremony. I learned that I had placed 2nd in my age group so I was really excited about that! We got back in time for the awards ceremony and it was only when I heard my name called that I realized I had also placed 3rd in overall women! Wow!!!! I couldn't believe it!! I thought I had finished towards the back of the group but I think I was actually right in the middle. (I finished 22nd overall.) I felt very accomplished! 

Me (3rd place), Carole Olinger (2nd place), and Candy Wong (1st place) - Candy is a skater whom I really look up to, so this was a HUGE honor for me!!!

If I had not have done St Paul and Duluth prior to this event; I do not think I could have completed it. This was the hardest, most physically challenging thing I have ever done in my life. I can honestly say that not ONCE during the entire course did I even THINK about quitting. Not once. I was in it until the end. I don't think I'll do it again though, I prefer the closed course, the consistent high speeds, and the more level terrain of the marathon skates. But I am VERY glad I did this. It was an amazing experience!!

I feel that my skate season has come to a close - Houston doesn't look like it's going to happen. I'm okay with this; I feel that I have accomplished a lot more this year than I originally set out to. I will keep skating as long as the weather permits but I am no longer in training mode. (So that means more leisurely skates!) I'm also going to focus more on weight training and running; along with some fun winter sports. It is time to break my habit of going all soft and squishy (and gaining 10 lbs) during the winter. I am currently in the best shape I've ever been in my entire life and I intend to keep on tightening up the soft spots!

I have a lot on the menu for next year; I feel like my skating journey has just begun! Happy trails, thank you for following along with me!! 



Georgia on my mind...

So, Athens to Atlanta is in 6 days... I wasn't planning on doing this event until next year - but I was told there might not BE a next year, so I signed up. I think if I would have had another year I might be able to do one of the longer distances, but as it is I'm only signed up for the 38 mile stretch.

Only... Who am I kidding? I've skated 38 miles ONCE. I did it, and still managed to maintain a 14 mph average; but it was lonely. And I was pretty wiped by the end of it; and my arches were really tight. I cannot imagine doing an additional 49 miles on top of that - or even another 14! So yeah, 38 miles will be a real challenge for me. I just want to do it in under two and a half hours. That's my goal. (I did it in 2:42.49 here, so 2:30 is feasible.)

I had planned on skating 3 times this week but believe it or not; I'm feeling a little burned out. So I've decided to pack up my skates and do some other stuff this week. I don't think I'll lose any of my conditioning by taking a week off. I skated on Saturday with my husband; we tooled along at 8.7 mph for about 4 miles; then he turned around and I cranked up the juice to knock out a couple more miles before catching back up with him right before he got to the car. I keep hoping he decides he wants speed skates too... It would be awesome to have a regular skating partner. But you can't force your passions; no matter how badly you wish you could. We all have our thing.

Me on my first pair of 'blades' - 1996... Skating the Cherry Creek trail with my buddy Erica...

Erica!

Hahah, those old photos crack me up... Anyways...

The fate of the Houston marathon is still up in the air but I'm hoping it comes through. Quite a few of my online skater buddies are planning on skating it and I'm really looking forward to meeting them! We should know by the end of this week... After Houston, I will transition out of training mode, and skate just for fun any time I can. I am ready to shift my focus to some winter activities and take a break from skating. I feel like I skated pretty hard this year and I have grown a LOT! I'm very pleased and anxious to see what's in store for me in 2012. My plans for winter include snowshoeing, snowboarding, maybe some ice skating; and some cross country skiing... and lots of running... blaah. but I need the endurance....

I'm also tossing around the idea of buying a pair of custom Bonts, I have gotten so much advice on what skates to upgrade to that it's making my head spin!! I have talked with three skate reps who sell skates and got three different views about what to do next... I know which ones I like the looks of, and I know that upgrading to a true speed skate is the natural progression of the sport; especially with the goals I have in mind for next year. (I am all about getting faster... I want to have great form and more speed!!) My goals for the marathons next year are all about time. Me vs. myself. I want to kick some serious ass. So I have some ideas about that... But deciding on that level of an investment will take some thinking. If I do it, I'm going all out. No messing around with anything in between. I plan on attending Napa Valley, Apostle Islands, and Northshore for sure; with the Texas Road Rash as a maybe...

So my next update should be the A2A recap!!!
Happy Trails!!

Northshore Inline Marathon recap!!

Wow, what a weekend!!! I arrived in Minneapolis at 1:20 pm on Friday, my friend Susan picked me up and after a quick bite to eat we set out for Duluth. The drive took us about 3 hours with construction traffic and a couple of stops along the way. We got checked into the hotel (swanky - we splurged and had a suite!) then headed down to the convention center so I could pick up my skate packet and check out the expo. Holy cow, what a difference from St Paul!!! I got my stuff, we met up with some of my new friends, and took a look around. I picked up some swag and parts from Inline Warehouse, tried not to spend a lot of money; and visited with my pals. We had a late dinner then off to bed.

I was up at 5 am Saturday morning; excited but I also had nervous butterflies. I was super happy to see that the weather held out and there wasn't any rain in the forecast - but could tell by the frost on the cars that it was anything but warm outside. I had packed a variety of skate clothes (from tank tops to sleeves) and opted to dress warm. I got Susan up and she drove me to the convention center to catch the bus to Two Harbors.

The bus ride up was really fun, I sat next to a gentleman who did ice dancing with his wife as a hobby, and the guy in front of us was the organizer for the Montreal 24 hour relay. (I think he said his name was Simon.) We had a nice conversation and the drive up went by quickly. Next thing I knew it was time to get off of the bus and head up to the staging area. They had a bunch of seats set up, and I just have to say, it was COLD. I didn't want to take my jacket or warm up pants off!!!!

I met up with my friend Kelly; then we found Pat and Mike - and eventually it was time to get ready. I was moving slow because my hands were so cold! Before I knew it, they were lining people up to get ready for the race. I hurriedly threw my stuff in the gear bag to load on the truck and realized afterwards that I had left my skate tool and my sunglasses in the gear bag... Oh well....

I must have been feeling a bit frazzled because I originally lined up with Kelly. He was in wave 1. I was supposed to be in wave 2. (Can I blame that on the cold too??) I got back with my group and lined up between Mike and Pat. My hands and feet were frozen; I couldn't even feel my toes!! I hoped that wouldn't be an issue... I set my Endomondo sports tracker, they blew the horn and off we went...

It took me about a mile to find my groove and warm up. It is so weird, but once I start skating, it is like all outside noise fades away. Anything my mind is chewing on gets forgotten. I slip into this zone and all I focus on is the swishing sound of my skates, the road in front of me; and the other skaters. Instinct took over and I leap-frogged pace lines until I found ones that were going the speed I wanted. I hopped from several pace lines until about mile 9 where I found a really steady one. I skated with them for a few miles, then sped up to another line. (I even pulled several lines, which was actually really cool!!) I found Mike at some point and fell into his line. I skated with him and one other guy for the rest of the race. The section of 35 that they said they had improved felt super squirrelly, I found that if I didn't keep my feet moving, I didn't feel as secure. I hated that section and felt like the terrain slowed me down a bit. I was very glad when we got past that portion of the race. Lemon Drop hill was not as imposing as I thought it would be and the next thing I knew we were at the home stretch!!

Back home I've been training to save enough juice to go full out the last two to three miles. I did the same thing here. I felt that burst of adrenaline and I went full out across the finish line. I was super excited and felt like I'd had a great race. According to my Endomondo, I had completed it in 1:34... I couldn't believe it - that's a full 10 minutes faster than my best time!! It also said my average speed was 17.2!!! That made me feel extremely happy! My goal had been to complete it in 1:40 or less!! I had also HOPED that I would place within my age division. I did not make that a goal because I was not sure it was feasible; especially for my first full marathon. But I DID place! I got 5th place, which got me a medal... I cannot even begin to tell you how awesome that made me feel!!

All in all, the entire experience was wonderful! I got to meet skaters I had connected with online, and actually skate with them. I got a personal best marathon time, I placed; but best of all - I had a BLAST!

Me with Kelly, who I met on the Inline Warehouse Facebook page [he's in the helmet] and Mike, who I met on the Endomondo sports tracking website [he's in the yellow jacket.] Michael is a friend of Kelly's who I actually interacted with on Inline Planet [Michael is in the gray jersey] Mike's dad Steve skated the marathon too [he's in the orange hat] - and I believe the guy in the black is from Germany; he skates with Kelly's skate club.

On the podium getting my medal... wow.... that was so awesome!!!

Me with my medal... I am amazed that I was able to accomplish this. I have come SO FAR this year...

  Northshore Stats:
Official time: 1:34:02
Overall 196/1586
Sex 25/603
Age Division  5/62

If you can dream it...

I have just 4 more days until the Northshore marathon. My very first full inline skating marathon ever! If you would've told me even just a year ago that I'd be getting ready to fly to Minnesota to skate in a marathon, I would've laughed in your face. Me? Sheyah, riight!! A year ago I didn't have the drive, motivation, or faith in myself that I have now... Considering some of the awesome cycles of failure in my past - it's amazing I've come this far! The St. Paul half marathon was amazing, but that was just a taste of it and I want so much more! I feel confident that I will have a blast and do fairly well, however, there is a part of me that is still struggling with some fear and doubt. I had a dream that I woke up late and missed the race. I had another dream where I got lost on the way to the starting line and somehow ended up back at my house. I also had a dream where I was skating the course and got lost... (I ended up flying in that one though, so it turned out to be pretty cool.) It seems like my subconscious is trying to work through some worst case scenarios or something, but at some point I recalled the time I tried to get my motorcycle license...

Oh, you didn't know that I once attempted to get a motorcycle license? Oh yes, I did. And it was a failure of epic proportions...

It was October 2003, I had just lost all of the weight I'd gained during my phase of being a shrink's drug guinea pig. I was feeling incredibly confidence and self-assured. My ex had been pushing me to get my license so we could ride together, and I finally felt confident that I could do it. I signed up for the three day course at the community college and showed up ready to rock. The first night was easy, we just sat in a classroom and went over laws and that sort of thing. The next day, we actually got on the bikes... I did great that first day, I had so much fun and was really enjoying learning to ride. On the final day, we were to do the riding part of the exam and then the written part - and then we would be licensed riders!

The day started out bad, it was so damn hot and we were in full gear. To top it off; I somehow ended up as the second person in line. So here I am, feeling self-conscious because everyone was watching me, it's hot as hell; and I'm not riding so well. I flubbed up some figure 8 thing and was just not feeling it. We lined up to do this braking portion (you get up to 3rd gear then have to break inside this box) and there are two classes lined up side by side. My turn comes, I gun it, jam the brakes expecting to line up perfectly inside the box. It didn't quite work out that way. In fact, I can't tell you exactly what happened. One minute I'm seeing the box, and the next minute I'm seeing the sky. I somehow jammed up the brakes and completely flipped the bike. After the instructor made sure the bike was okay, he checked on me. I just felt stunned and completely humiliated. BOTH classes were staring at me. He told me to stick around and at least take the written exam, then schedule to do the riding exam again the next month. I said sure, let me use the bathroom first and I'll be right back... I went in the building, bypassed the bathroom, snuck out the back door, got into my truck; and never looked back... I didn't even realize I was injured until I got home. (Nothing serious, I jacked up my foot and couldn't wear a shoe for three days and had all sorts of pretty bruises all over.)

It was a humbling experience. I had this thought that maybe, just maybe - some people are never meant to be any better than they are. Maybe some people just reach a certain point of mediocrity, and that is their lot in life; destined to hit a wall and never be able to rise above it. Maybe some lucky people are just born with the over-achiever, good-at-everything-they-do gene; while the rest get squat. I felt that I was one of those people - that I had reached the wall and would never be any better than that. For a long time after that, I did not attempt to do anything that would require me to push myself past any of my perceived boundaries. I figured, what was the point?

During the journey that has been the year 2011 - the year I break bad habits, cycles, and negative ways of thinking on my way to becoming the person I truly want to be - I have reshaped that original thought. Maybe the reason people fail is because they don't attempt to explore their options to find the things that they're truly good at, the things that they feel truly passionate about. Maybe they attempt things because they're expected to (as I did with the motorcycle. I didn't want it - the ex did.) Maybe people fail not because they don't try hard enough to succeed; maybe they're just trying to succeed at the wrong things.

I do know that 'if you can dream it, you can achieve it' is a complete crock of shit because we're not all built the same way.  I used to dream of being an astronaut, but guess what? I'm too stupid to be an astronaut. So I'll leave that to the smart people and I'll skate. Because it's what I'm good at.

The Countdown to Northshore!

Well, the Northshore marathon is in 6 days - I am just 6 days away from accomplishing my goal of skating a full marathon, and I couldn't be more excited!

Of course, I had a little bit of a set back due to stupid health stuff... I have GERD (acid reflux disease) a hiatal hernia and stomach ulcers; and for the most part when I have a flare up I eat some Prilosec for a couple of weeks, it calms back down and life goes on. This flare up started in early August and I could not get it to calm back down. It got so bad that I couldn't eat hardly anything for about a week! So I went to my doctor and got some new medication (he also recommended surgery - I said maybe after the end of this year I'd consider it but NOT NOW.) I started Dexilant on Thursday and almost immediately it made the worst symptoms more bearable. (Worst symptoms being chest pain that radiates up into my neck, through my back and down my arms, a stomach ache, shortness of breath, a sore throat, and difficulty swallowing...) I know I will more than likely need surgery to correct this but I have too much going on right now to consider being out of commission. The thing that REALLY pisses me off about the GERD is that I don't fit the profile... I'm not overweight, I don't smoke, and I eat a low fat diet. In fact, I haven't had fast food in over 2 years!!! So I am not sure why I have it so bad... But anyway... The pain and discomfort made working out impossible and it actually started to depress me quite a bit. I haven't lifted weights in 3 weeks and I didn't skate as much as I wanted to last week... I'm so grateful that the medicine is working enough to encourage me to get back on track and improve my mood. I just need to keep it under control long enough to finish out the year...

Today I skated 27.5 miles on the new Street Fights and Bones Swiss speed bearings. My new wheels are broke in and ready to go, so I'll swap them out tonight and save them for the race. I got myself a pair of eZeeFit ankle booties (I have a raw spot on my inner left ankle and one on my outer right ankle) and they worked like a dream! No pressure or rubbing and they made my boots fit a little snugger too. Very comfortable. I also tried out a pair of compression shorts - I'm not really sure what they're supposed to do but they felt pretty comfortable! I have one more skate on Wednesday - I plan on 13-15 miles of laps and breaking in the Storm Surges (In case it rains, I really hope it doesn't!) Then I'll be set for Northshore!

Here's a little video of me drafting a group of cyclists. Granted, they weren't going THAT fast, but it is still pretty cool to keep up with bikes...

Drafting Bikes 9-11-11

It has been a really fun journey. I've networked with other skaters through Facebook, Endomondo, and Inline Planet; several of them are doing Northshore too. Even though we are all in different states, I almost feel like we've been training together! I can't wait to see them and see how well they do. I'm rooting for them to hit all of their goals, and thank them for helping me set mine pretty high! (I am hoping to complete the marathon in 1:40 or less. I think that is TOTALLY feasible.)

It feels like autumn now, which makes me feel a little sad - I've been having such an amazing summer!!

Current Stats:
Best Marathon Time: 1:44:58 (achieved 9/9/11)
Best Half Marathon Time: 46:53 (achieved 8/6/11)
Miles Skated in 2011: 1116 (goal was 1000)

*happy trails!!*

Why the small victories taste so sweet

While embracing the journey that has been the year 2011 - I have made a lot of wonderful new friends. I realized that most of them have no idea what I've been through or where I came from - and therefore might not understand why even the smallest accomplishments feel so significant to me. So I thought I would do a quick recap and hopefully then it will make more sense.

In March of 1998, my younger brother Mike went into the hospital with what we thought was pneumonia. We soon found out that he was HIV positive and had reached the point of having full blown AIDS. We never even had a chance to learn how to deal with this because on April 14th, 1998: he died. He was only 24 years old. A month after that, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. After a very difficult fight, she passed away on October 24th, 1998 at the age of 54. My family was very tight knit, and at 27, I was still very much a mama's girl. We hadn't even begun to process through losing Mike when we had to focus on the fact that we were now also without our mother. We all fell apart in our own ways and I very loudly deconstructed.

My mom and little brother - I'm guessing this was taken in the late 80's/early 90's.

I pretty much lost my mind and ended up in a very unhealthy relationship. In August of 2000 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and put on a myriad of drugs. None of the shrinks bothered to maybe just TALK to me and give me some tools to help cope with my grief - instead they put me through a hellish nightmare of psychotropic drugs; the side effects were unbearable. At one point I was taking seven different drugs a day. I gained 40 pounds in the span of a month. My hair thinned and fell out. I had panic attacks, trouble swallowing, hallucinations, tingling, twitching, nightmares, paranoia - it was by far and away the absolute worst period of my life. I became reclusive and couldn't hold a job. I knew my relationship was part of the problem but I was too fragile and far too weak to end it and strike out on my own. I wanted to die so badly but was too afraid to commit suicide so I just fell into this weird sort of existing without really living mode. IT WAS AWFUL. 

This is me in the summer of 2000. I think I was about 160 lbs.

At some point I became an advocate for my own health care. I did research. I learned that I could say 'no, I don't want to take that medication. Give me another option.' I started exercising, I was able to work again, and in 2005 I was finally able to end my marriage and start focusing on rebuilding my life. In 2006 I opted to dump ALL head meds and deal with the bipolar naturally. (Vitamins, diet, exercise, life stability.) I still have ups and downs but for the most part I am aware and can deal with minimal damage control needed!

Even with these life improvements, I still struggled to become the strong person I had always envisioned in my mind. Not just physically strong, but mentally and emotionally. I wanted to be fierce, fearless - empowered. But I couldn't figure out how to get there. I am not sure how or why - but at some point this year something inside of me finally clicked and I now feel like I am beginning to embody my vision. I am completely elated...

I couldn't have done it without the support of my current husband - who loves me, supports my dreams, and calls me on my bullshit. Or my dad, who was so stoked about my time at St Paul that I had to hold the phone away from my ear while he yelled with pride. Or all of my friends who have been with me from the beginning and who KNOW how far I've come - who tell me I inspire THEM. But most of all, I never gave up on myself. The strength had to have been there all along, I just needed to figure out how to mine it.

So... There you go - the painful, dirty details of what I consider to be the black hole of my life.

This has definitely been my year to thrive, and I am still going full speed ahead! I feel so resolutely driven that it's almost scary! (Driven. what a new sensation for me. I'm used to the motto 'when the going gets tough - I'm outta here'.) I reached my goal of 1000 miles skated in 2011 on August 27th - and I believe I may be able to tack an additional 500-700 miles to that number. The Northshore Marathon is in less than 3 weeks and I am SO excited!! I can't wait to experience that race! I am also signed up for Athens to Atlanta, I will be completing the 38 mile stretch from Athens to Dacula. For me - this will definitely be a challenge of stamina and endurance and the true test of my ability. This is what I've been training for and I cannot wait! I still might try to wing the Houston marathon as well, maybe as an early Christmas present to myself!!! After that race it will be the beginning of ski season, and learning how to snowboard is on that list of goals I made at the beginning of the year...  

I have learned to treasure and cherish every moment life has to offer. Appreciate the beauty. Love the people who deserve your love, and let go of the ones who don't. But most of all - don't keep putting things off. If you can do something then do it! The feeling of actually accomplishing something is way more satisfying than the idea.